Just had the callā¦passed away at 7.15ā¦
Lady Slowlane and I are celebrating his life with a couple of stiff drinks. 
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At times like these, humour remains important. 
Had my eyes tested two weeks ago, and picked new glasses yesterday.
Hadnāt been to the optician for years - last trip was to Specsavers (as the optician sad āpre Covidā, as I had no idea when I last had my eyes tested).
Funny thing, when I arrived for the eye test, the receptionist asked āHave you been to us before?ā. Yes, I sad.
Can you remember when she followed up.
Oh yes, said I - 1983!
Strangely, they didnāt find me on their system.
However - all tests revealed that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my eyes, but did need new glasses - as I expected.
Point to note - previous glasses provided by Specsavers many years ago were revealed as cheap and nasty lenses, and cheap and nasty frames (were showing signs of rust ffs!)
You get what you pay for, but knowing my eyes are fine is worth a lot of money, which is what I paid!
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So I take it back
Saw the nurse. Said she would have a word with the doctor and get some jollop prescribed or whatever
Today get a call from the hospital to say I am in for a camera down the gullet a week Monday
Not sure whether to be happy that the NHS is firing on all cylinders or to start shitting myself that I am in an urgent pathway
At least itās not going up your jacksieā¦.
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These days they are long enough to go all the way through.
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I wouldnāt worry. I had my usual annual phone consultation last week, they suggested a ājust in caseā gastrocopy, I think for want of anything else to do. Thereās no urgency for it, in fact I had no issues at all to report to them. But the appointment came through today for December 5th, so that department canāt be particularly busy.
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What @scotty said, please donāt let my silly jape put you off getting an important investigation
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Donāt suppose you have access to medical records and could make a tweak to the required procedure - with the option to go NHS or Private?
Mine is due to some symptoms presenting themselves - I never normally go to the doctor but recent events with friends and the big C motivated me to go get checked out
Just do it - even if it isnāt clear early diagnosis is key
Youāll be fine btw.
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Iāve decided that getting old is massively overrated
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If anyone needs cheering up - here goes.
In my youth, I had a rumbling appendix for years. Every time it flared up it got worse, until eventually I ended up in hospital.
Had to wear one of those stupid gowns, with access all down your back.
Into the little room comes a big burly Australian, asks me to go onto my side, facing the wall.
I heard the slap of marigolds going on, and he said: this might be a bit uncomfortable, but it wonāt hurt.
The barstard then stuck his big rugby players finger up my arse!!!
After a bit, he withdrew, and told me I had a swollen appendix.
No shit Sherlock I thought - Iād had the bloody thing for years.
Later I was assured by others that this was the best way to diagnose appendicitis - entry from the rear to feel it!
Was discharged, to be called back in six months later to have it removed when it had settled down.
Lost your virginity to an Aussie then
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Plot twist, he turned out to be a hospital porter doing it for a bet. 
There were two of them when I had my Prostate checked. 
Couldnāt be this - it was the hall porter who removed my appendix 6 months later, leaving me with a 3ā scar, which I told my children was a sabre wound from when I was a pirate.
What???
Two different fingers up the arse at the same time, or two blokes taking turns?
You poor bugger - now Iām never having my prostate spchecked!