I believe tradition dictates that I should now make a remark concerning the sexual appetite and prowess of your mother?
So, let’s take that as read. 
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Late night lockdown announced on twitter I see…
I suppose they could have waited for the following days newspapers to tell them that they should have not gone out the previous evening
Yeah, and I suppose they are still trying to hire someone capable of holding a press conference. Must be tricky filling a £100k post.
Most people in that salary range have a 3m notice period - given that the role had only been recently announced, its a bit much to expect the recruitment process to have been completed
Also trying to find the right person for that role will take time
In my experience filling senior positions are usually the hardest - the candidates and clients have very specific criteria and are not afraid of sticking to their guns
The role is a joke. Why can’t the fat blonde prick hold a press conference to announce a major lockdown in Greater Manchester?
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Downing Street has always had a spokesman - although I always got the impression it wasn’t a specific individual.
This chap Ian McDonald was quite good at breaking bad news…is he still available?
Has a lot more credibility than the other wankers they’ve tried so far…
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Aiming a bit low, aren’t we? 
Why not go for Herb Morrison, he did one hell of a job on the Hindenburg crash.
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Let’s face it…we are in no need to aim high.
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Oh, the humanity… 
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Indeed but amazingly although it appears “all souls lost” 36 died and 62 survived.
Not good.
But in context still very low numbers.
Primary cause has been clusters caused by weddings
Catchy new slogan
HANDS
FACE
SPACE
GET A TEST
We have an overgrown child running the country. God help us.
I just heard a newsflash. As of tomorrow the slogan will be “Head, shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes)”.
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Yep, already got the song…
Bloody Chinese trying to send us other diseases now. They’re out to kill us all, mark my words
Sowing doubt: people around world receive mystery seed parcels
Weddings becoming a problem causing clusters causing rule changes here, but numbers still very low
A new and easy test for Covid-19 has been found!
Take a glass and pour a decent measure of your favourite spirit, be it gin, whisky or brandy, then see if you can smell it.
If you can, you are halfway there. Then drink it. If you can taste it, it’s reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.
I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. I will have to test myself again today as I woke up with a headache and nausea which could also be symptoms.
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