🦏 A nice animal

**Lurk** · February 28, 2019, 7:41pm

This may not work on this forum. But it would be nice to pay some respect to the nice animals that we share this planet with. I will kick things off with the RHINOCEROS.

The RHINOCEROS

Couple of facts: These creatures are huge. Slightly bigger than a Nissan Juke. Easily 15 foot long and 6 foot high. They are fat, very fat. They weigh 300 – 400 stone. They have horns which are spiked with poison and kill for fun.

Habitat: Africa and Asia. These magnificent creatures can be found wandering anywhere from the wild Savannah of Tanzania to downtown Delhi. It is not unusual to see them herding in the Himalayas.

Food: Mostly Vegetarian. They prefer to eat small trees and shrubs but on occasion will hunt for meat. On occasion small children have been taken.

Defence: The Rhinoceros is a naturally curious and very sexual creature. They mean no harm and will sleep with you if allowed.

Attack: Will rip your fucking arm off if annoyed. Same as a Badger would.

Life span: Roughly 120 years.

Rating: 9/10. Ugly but hard.

**Map-Of-Tasmania** · February 28, 2019, 7:21pm

Black or white, cant tell as cannot see its testicles?

**Map-Of-Tasmania** · February 28, 2019, 7:23pm

Bearsy/Tokes - welcome back

**Lurk** · February 28, 2019, 7:31pm

She’s female. No bollocks.

**Map-Of-Tasmania** · February 28, 2019, 7:31pm

But she has the horn?

**Lurk** · February 28, 2019, 7:36pm

Yes. The females use horns for protection against the males. The males use horns to hunt trees.

**Map-Of-Tasmania** · February 28, 2019, 7:36pm

Tricky then as usual way to sex a Rhino is to cup its balls and gently squeeze

**Lurk** · February 28, 2019, 7:40pm

Give it a go if you want. I wouldn’t recommend though as it will rip your arms off. Then have sex with you.

But anyway. I’m hoping that people will use this thread to post nice animals. Hope it takes off.

**lifeintheslowlane** · February 28, 2019, 7:43pm

Phil tells me they are often seen on streetcorners in downlown Manilla touting their horns which are said to be a proven afro-dizzy-yak. Is that true?

**Lurk** · February 28, 2019, 8:28pm

Hopefully that isn’t true. If it is we need to cuddle one (or a Nissan Juke) as a show of solidarity.

**Map-Of-Tasmania** · February 28, 2019, 7:58pm

Unknown

OK, I give you the Sabre-toothed penis rat, so called because of its vicious teeth and resemblance to an ugly penis with legs

Now getting quite rare since many have been murdered by on account of their extremely sexist attitudes

Habitat: They like to bury themselves in any hole where its dark and preferably moist.

Food: bodily fluids

Defence: Razor sharp teeth and spreading infection

Attack: A sticky vomit

Life span: 2 minutes if they are lucky

Rating: 3/10 very ugly but worth a stroke

**Lurk** · February 28, 2019, 8:20pm

Ah yes, the baby mole and 3/10 is a worthy score for that scrote. But Moles are quite interesting actually.

Couple of facts: An adult Mole can dig more than 100 cubic metres an hour when breeding. They wear dark glasses underground to look cool. They are still pissed off that the Meerkat won the Go Compare advertising campaign.

Habitat: UK.

Food: Carnivore. Livestock mostly.

Defence: Ninja. Cannot be seen in the dark.

Attack: Will rip your fucking arm off if annoyed. Same as a Badger would.

Rating: 6/10 Ugly, hard but buck teeth.

**Map-Of-Tasmania** · February 28, 2019, 8:22pm

Not surprised they can take an arm, look at the size of its fucking hands!

Not going to be able to restore delicate Matchbox models with those fat fingers… useless cunt

**Map-Of-Tasmania** · February 28, 2019, 8:31pm

Now here is an ugly cunt

Unknown-1

The FishermanFish or to give its its latin name Anglersar uglibastardos - a fully fledged evil twat of a fish that eats itself like tHE pink panther getting sucked up by its vacuum cleaner in the 70s cartoons

Habitat: 20,000 leagues under the sea

Food: Stupid twats that get hooked

Defence: scares everyone away

Attack: life Captain Nemo in his Nautilus

Rating: 9/10 (you going to insult him?)

**Goatboy** · February 28, 2019, 8:46pm

These little fellas have been keeping us humans company for thousands of years and don’t look to be pissing off anytime soon.

The humble bed bug is a crafty little fucker. It will feed on your blood but can survive for up to a year without feeding.
They live in most regions of the world and are a bitch to see off.
Their breeding habits are particularly unpleasant (for the females anyway) as the males will traumatically inseminate their hapless partners, piercing the females abdomen with their javelin like cocks and filling the body cavity with bug love gravy.
Right little shitbags.

**Cobham-Saint** · February 28, 2019, 8:48pm

What’s this @Lurk , are you posting your homework?

**lifeintheslowlane** · February 28, 2019, 8:48pm

Believe me mate…not even a mother could love a Nissan Puke…too hideous for words.

**lifeintheslowlane** · February 28, 2019, 8:59pm

Are those Bed Bugs the type that can live for a year witout their head?

I’ve heard from a friend who works at Porton Down they are now breeding a preditory sub-species that will crawl up an Isis terrorist’s penis and eat their testicles. The ability to continue their preitory onslaught without a head is an obvious advantage when dealing with head-choppers.

**Goatboy** · February 28, 2019, 9:01pm

I’ve been living without head for a while now and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

**lifeintheslowlane** · February 28, 2019, 10:15pm

I heard it was still there only stuck up your arse. Care to elaborate?