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[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 5

B!tch wakes up in Christian Grey’s bedroom. Someone has removed her pants. This happens a lot on tv and in movies, and I always think it’s odd. They act like it’s perfectly moral behaviours, like the dude is demonstrating his sensitive and caring nurturing side by sliding off her underwears. Oh yeah well i had to do that, it’s physically impossible to sleep while still wearing pants! I ain’t buying that, it’s the pervy act of a sexual predator! All joking aside, when I encounter an unconscious girl the first thing I’m doing is not sliding off her trousers, and if i did it wouldn’t be cos i’m worried bout sleep patterns!

He ain’t raped the virgin yet tho, far as i can tell. I mean there’s no mention of blood all over the sheets, but then i spose he’d know better than to rape a virgin in his own bed. I always put
newspaper down first. You can’t tell me he didn’t mess with her a bit tho. As he rightly points out when she acts a bit annoyed bout it, she was either getting fingered by Jose or by him. Either way, b!tch is getting fingered. I ain’t completely on board with the morality of this argument, but she seems to accept it and acts all grateful.

If anything he is mostly telling her off now. I ain’t sure exactly why. Possibly amongst the things she ain’t never done before is a bit of personal grooming. Dude has probably been coughing up pubes all morning. “If you were mine,” he advises her, “you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.” Lol. This is what they call foreshadowing!

He let’s her use his shower now. He don’t even go in to watch. This is a mistake! Not from a perving point of view but when b!tches is in your bathroom they immediately start rooting through your cabinets and using your toothbrush and stuff. You can’t trust b!tches!

When she comes out he’s bringing her breakfast. He’s being a bit of a cvvnt about it actually. B!tch only just got roofied last night she probably just wants coffee and bed but he’s like “Finish your breakfast” and she’s like no I can’t and he’s like “Eat what’s on your plate.” Or you won’t sit right for a week. I’ve heard bout these dudes before. Feeders.

She’s now flat out asking him to give her one. He’s like oh no I can’t do that, not until I have your consent in writing. Lol that’s classic! I’m gonna try that on some b!tches of my own! I’ll be like if you could just sign here, and notarise here, this bit says I’m going balls deep in your bumhole, this bit says my brother can watch.

They’re arranging it so he has to show her something before she signs the sex contract. Fvvck knows what. It’s obviously something more serious than his knob. He’s gonna pick her up tonight in his fvvcking helicopter, but now she’s got to do one so he can buy some spare bedsheets.

He gives her a tongueing on the way down in the elevator. “You’ve brushed your teeth,” he observes. “Oh yeah, I used your toothbrush.” B!tch!

[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 6

I quite like foreplay. It’s pretty sweet! I like how you is feeling her up and she is feeling you up and then you’re messing with her junk then she’s messing with your junk and then it’s getting a bit samey so I start getting rough then she gets a bit freaked so I tone it down a bit then she gets a bit romantic and I start to think bout if the b!tch will make me a sandwich… what i’m tryin to say is no matter how sweet foreplay is there comes a point lets say bout chapter 4 where it’s too much and I just want someone to get fvvcked already!

I dunno how EL James feels bout foreplay but I reckon her dude must be blue in the balls! B!tch can’t get enough! She’s been moving her dumb chess pieces round for 5 chapters now and i’m thinking surely EL James the time has come now for the bishop to mount the horse!

The itinerary as I see it is childishly simple:

Page 1 quick helicopter ride to see this thing that apparently she’s got to see before he knobs her, I still dunno what it is, I’m thinking the decaying corpse of his last girlfriend or something. Page 2 sign the sex contract. Page 3 cowgirl! Page 4 reverse cowgirl! Page 5 doggy! Page 6 piledriver! Page 7 rear entry!

Then break out the hacksaws and sh!t can get real!

It don’t seem to be going down quite that way at first. EL James seems to think I ain’t had quite enough of boring conversations yet. She’d be wrong bout that, but what you gonna do. Here is the virgin and the stalker chattin bout music. This is demonstrating their compatibilities!

GREYS: My tastes is eclectic. I love everything from Thomas Tallis to Kings of Leon. VIRGINS: Oh me too! What an amazing coincidence! I love Kings of Leon too! GREYS: Do you know who Thomas Tallis is? VIRGINS: No. GREYS: Then how is that same you dumb fvvck!

He don’t say that last bit, he “turns and gazes at me briefly” but I can tell what he’s thinking!

One other thing that’s happening is dude is getting business calls. That’s fair enough dude’s a businessman. Thing is tho cos b!tch is loving his every utterance she’s reporting these calls to me verbatim and cos she’s hearing only his side of the conversations it’s all a bit meh! “They want two?.. How much will that cost?.. Okay and what safety measures do they have in place?.. How safe is Ben Sudan?.. And when do they arrive in Darfur?” I DON’T GIVE A FVVCK!

She goes back to her house and we find Katherine “Kate” Kavenagh has just knobbed Christian Grey’s brother. I know what your thinking, that seems a bit random! It is. I’m mostly annoyed it happened off screen though. Just my fvvcking luck! I should have mentioned that he rocked up at the Weatherspoons that night with Cryptic Gay when they was cock-blocking Jose. The brothers name is Elliot, but other than that we know literally nothing bout him. I’m quite happy for it to stay like that.

Katherine “Kate” Kavenagh helps the virgin get ready for going to Seattle in Christian Grey’s helicopter. She shaves the virgins legs and underarms. B!tch finds this unpleasant, but “Kate assures me it is what men expect nowadays.” Whadaya know… another thing the virgin ain’t never done before!

They fly out to his gaff in Seattle. There are pages and pages of descriptions of his sofa and his oven and his fireplace and his table and his walls and his doorways. Guess what? I don’t give a fvvck! He
comes back with the sex contract thing and b!tch signs it without reading. This disappoints me! First think in the cvvnts house I’m interested in and b!tch don’t bother describing it!

Chapter ends. They still ain’t fvvcked. I’ve had enough of this sh!t. I’m hung over and I’m bored and all these dumb conversations is giving me a headache. You should have heard them talking in the helicopter. He was all “yes this is an EC135 Eurocopter. One of the safest in it’s class. It’s equipped for night flight. When you fly at night, you fly blind. You have to trust the instrumentation.” Seriously dude, shut up already bout your dumb helicopter!

I miss Jose. I wish I could read 50 Shades of Jose instead. That dude knew what he wanted!

[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 7

Christian Grey invites the virgin to see his “playroom”.

“You want to play X-Box?” she says and I’m just congratulating her on her first funny till it turns out b!tch is serious.

We had a playroom when i was a kid, it was mostly toys and crayons but i’m picturing something a bit different. I’d be right!

Here is the stuff in Christian Grey’s “playroom” 1 x Man sized wooden crucifix with manacles 1 x 8 foot square suspended iron grid with assorted ropes, chains and shackles 2 x Curtain poles Lots x paddles, whips, riding crops 1 x flogger (this we learn is like a cat o nine tails) 1 x chest of drawers 1 x leather bench 12 x wooden canes (various sizes) 1 x table 2 x stools 1 x bed (no duvet) 1 x Sofa curiously positioned in the middle of the room facing the bed

Here is where I’m learning my first important lesson! Dude has been quite clever bout this. If I just met a girl and took her into my sex dungeon most likely she’d be freaking out. What Grey has done is bore her into a stupor with boring conversations. Then he has fixed it so she’s get desperate to be boned by not boning her when she wanted to be boned. Then he is making her think of legal obligations cos she’s signed his contract. It wouldn’t surprise me if he paid Jose to feel her up just so she felt obligated by him “saving her”. Also, the cyclist. Also, b!tch is thinking it’s a long walk back to Vancouver/Washington if she backs out now.

“In simple terms I want you to please me. I have rules and I want you to comply with them. They are for my pleasure. If you follow these rules to my satisfaction I shall reward you. If you don’t I will punish you,” he says, ominously fingering a curtain pole.

I like this arrangement! I can’t see a problem with it at all. I mean, I ain’t sure I could be coming out with these statements personally, I can’t really picture any b!tch of my aquaintance not lolling at such a stupid sentences, but then I ain’t been following the Christian Grey Method to the letter. Dude’s a hero!

She’s like “And what do I get out of it?”. Me, he says, in all seriousness. Imagine saying that to your wife or whatever! Lols. But we’ve already found out this b!tch has no sense of humour.

He is now saying that after he’s bum-fvvcked her with a curtain pole, b!tch is gonna have to go sleep somewhere else cos he likes his own space or whatever. I say it again, dude’s a hero!

Ok, so it turns out that sex-contract she signed before was a not-telling anyone agreement. She’s now having to sign another contract. To my relief, b!tch is gonna read it this time:

Obedience - she has to do what he says Sleep - she has to sleep 7 hours before getting boned Food - he’s gonna put her on a special diet, and b!tch ain’t allowed to snack between meals. It makes me lol he had to put that in there. B!tch is obviously a porker after all! Clothes - B!tch has got to wear what she’s told. Excercise - B!tch has got to get her lard arse down the gym. Personal Hygiene - B!tch has got to shave her pits and wash her vag out every once in a while. Personal Safety - B!tch has got quit falling in front of dangerous cyclists/getting finger-banned by photographers Personal Qualities - B!tch ain’t allowed to fvvck no-one else

She agrees to all this no problem. It pleases me that this is what b!tches want! Whenever I’ve been going round suggesting that b!tches ought to get down the gym or lay of the cakes the reactions ain’t been quite so favourable. I ain’t on board with the bit where I’m having to choose her outfits tho, that sounds like a lot of work!

He’s then asking what are her limits, how is she feeling bout him sh!tting on her or having his dogs lick her out or whatever, and she’s like hmm i ain’t really sure, i ain’t never had sex before. This surprises him. Dude ain’t so clever after all, I’ve been knowing she’s a virgin since like Chapter 4!

And she still is, cos the chapter ends here. FFS.

[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 8

“I’m going to make love to you now.”

Oh thank fvvck! I feel a bit cheated tho, dude has been saying all along that he don’t ever make love he only fvvcks. Hard. But I’ll take pretty much anything at this point. I know it’s gonna be good cos EL James has broke out the dictionary. I’ve just learned that Anastasia Steele is somnambulant, whatever the fvvck that means.

First thing he does is pull on her hair. I’m on board with this, I’m a notorious hair-puller. Then he bites her lip. Then he takes off her shirt. Then he grabs her ass and rubs his boner up against her. Then he’s licking on her belly button. Then he takes down her pants. The he smells on her vag.

“You smell nice,” he says. Liar!

Then he pushes her back on the bed and takes off b!tches shoes and socks. This kills the mood a bit, but whatever. Then he’s licking on her feet.

Then he’s like “Show me how you pleasure yourself?”

B!tch is dumb. She’s like “What do you mean?” I’m half expecting her to head for the kitchen make a sandwich, but then she cottons on and is like “Oh no I’ve never done that.”

I dunno bout this. B!tches is always saying they never masturbate, but I’ve always thought they was having me over. On the other hand I’ve got this sex buddy tho and we’re really open with each other bout stuff and she said she don’t ever do it, and I kind of believe her. She’s like, why would I? If I want sex there’s a dozen dudes I could call. And she’s right. I’m one of them! The virgin ain’t got any such excuse, but i spose given all the other things she ain’t ever done it ain’t that much of a surprise.

Dude grabs her ankles and forces her legs apart and then he’s licking her out. Then he stops on that and just starts thumbing on her nipple with one hand. “Let’s see if we can make you come just like this” he says, rather ambitiously IMO. Good luck with that homes, I’m thinking.

But she does, almost immediately.

Then he’s fingering her up and finding her nice and wet. Then he’s getting his knob out. B!tch is telling me he’s got a big one but i ain’t sure I’m accepting her testimony. How would she know? Fvvcking virgin. He might be hung like a hamster for all she knows.

He puts a condom on it. Clearly he ain’t quite into her I’m A Virgin story. Still, I wouldn’t of been sheathing it. Everyone knows I’ve got a “latex allergy”. You can ask anyone.

I was interested to learn bout his technique for breaking in a virgin. Would he go for the gentle ease up against the hymen? Would he fvvck! Boom! he goes as he slams into her vag “ripping through my virginity”.

“You’re so tight baby”. I use that line myself! B!tches like to hear that, also when they tell it to their mates, their mates are thinking unlikely cos they know b!tch is slack so they is just assuming i have big penis.

He’s pounding away like a good 'un now. Don’t blame him. This is my favourite bit too!

I’m then turning the page and immediately having to abandon this investigations. Something extremely dramatic has happened! On the second page, bout halfway down, there is a distinct and interesting stain!

Dudes what have been with me with the start may recall I confiscated this particular volume from a girl’s bedroom. I am immediately picturing the scene! I can see hannah, relaxing back on her bed, casually perusing the book with one hand, casually perusing her vag with the other. Then she is finding it time to turn the page and this being a two hand operation she is extracting her fingers from her vag and she is applying them to the text, inadvertantly submitting a thump-print of delicious vag juice into evidence! Either that or she is spilling her lemonade.

I’m submitting this stain to further investigation. I’ve got my eye bout a half inch from it, but I ain’t detecting an awful lot. Why ain’t I got a magnifying glass or electron microscope or something? I’m sniffing on it. Not detecting anything much, I’m ashamed to say I’m giving it the lick. Interesting. Vaguely fruity. Maybe a little bit meaty. I’m calling it vag juice! I prefer to think of it as vag juice!

So… when dude shoots his load he’s shouting out her name. I mean ok if you like it. I prefer to be like “Boom! Fire in the hole!”

We’re finding now that he “empties himself inside me”. I’m wondering bout this, given the condom. I guess after he shoots he takes it off and pours it down her vag. It’s a classy move, I might try it myself!

B!tch is in some pain at this point. Dude don’t care. He’s like “turn on your front”. He lies on top of her. He’s then pulling on her hair and sticking her from behind. I don’t think it’s bumhole, I think we’re still in the vag. He’s reaching around and fingering her cl!t then he’s making b!tch taste it. “I want you sore baby, every time you move tomorrow you think of me.”

Job done. Dude finds he’s got blood all over his sheets. I fvvcking warned you homes!

She’s all like romantic and is trying to pet on him or whatever. He tells her to fvvck off cos he wants to have a sleep. Lol.

That was pretty sweet!

Thats all I can post until someone posts a reply.

[Goatboy]

lol.

[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 9

B!tch wakes up and she’s really sore in the vag. P!ssing razor blades. She’s worried he’s gonna start in on her with the curtain poles so she comes up with a plan:

“I find two hair ties in my bag and quickly put my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look
the safer I’ll be.”

Yeah that ought to do it you dumb fvvck. Put on your school uniform. Dudes hate that.

They is then chattin a bit bout the sex last night. She’s saying she was loving it. He said he quite liked it too, which was a surprise because he “never had vanilla sex before.” This surprises me! I mean I get that he don’t have normal sex no more, once you find you like bum rape you tend to stick with it, but I don’t get how it was he never had a normal boning. Like my first time, i was in spain with my mum and dad and I’d fixed it so my mate had come with us, and me and my mate met these two girls and one night i fixed it so i was gonna bone one on the beach, and she fixed it so she’d only do it if my mate boned her mate, and i fixed it that he would even tho he weren’t keen cos she was butters. So anyway we’ve knobbed these birds and then I’ve looked at my mate and my mate’s looked at me and I’ve gone “RUN!” and we’ve pegged it. I imagine it was much the same for you. What I’m saying tho is if instead of just knobbing her I’d of been popping back to the hotel for nipple clamps and gimp masks… it would have been a bit weird! It don’t happen like that, IMO.

So they is then having a bath together. What he is doing is sitting behind her with his legs around her and he is washing her boobs. I like this bit, I’m getting a small boner. I like touching boobs, especially when I’m doing it in such a way that I’m not having to look at b!tch’s face.

Then she sucks him off in the bath. It’s pretty cool how he talks her into this, I’ve had trouble sometimes with talking chicks into a BJ. Turns out my technique was off. I’m all like give me a bj, she’s like lol no! I’m like Please give me a bj but it’s too late she’s entrenched in her original position. What Christian Grey does is he’s like, “I’m gonna fvvck your mouth.” You see the difference? It ain’t exactly a question. More difficult for the b!tch to back out of.

Few incidentals we are learning:
B!tch swallows The room he makes her sleep in is smaller than his toilet She’s started calling him “Bluebeard”. I don’t think it’ll catch on. Dude is clean shaven. If anything it suits her better cos we is finding she has big bush

He then ties her up on his bed. He’s doing this with a neck tie, I spose it’s the one on the front cover of the book, the one with the Half Windsor knot. He’s tieing her hands up above her head and then he’s licking her body and every time she moves her arms he’s like “FFS! Now we’ve got to start again!”. Then he’s licking her vag and she’s like “Aaargh!”. B!tch must be proper sore! She calls her vag her “sex”. This makes things confusing! It’s the first time in 21 years someone of the opposite sex had sex in my sex.

There’s some strange noises without. His mum walks in. Lols.

[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 10

Jose is back b!tches! I’ve missed him bad we ain’t heard from him since he finger-banged her outside Weatherspoons! In the interim period Jose has become considerably more portugese. He is now saying things like “Dios mio!” i ain’t looked it up or anything but from the context i’m detecting it means “fvvck me!”. Dude don’t give up!

He’s ringing her up while she’s meeting dude’s mum. Rather rudely she’s answering and then she’s immediately telling Jose that she’s just been boned. Cruel! Jose was really looking forward to getting some of that virgin vag and now it’s all ruined! She’s rubbing her slack twaat in his face!

She’s then immediately making sure Christian Grey knows that it was Jose on the phone. This is also typical b!tches! They love telling people when they has got other dudes dogging round! It’s the total opposite of how men roll, I go to great lengths to make sure that the b!tches I’m boning know nothing of the b!tches i want to bone. I’m much more considerate! Whereas girls is always telling me oh noes there’s this guy at work and he is always flirting on me… it’s so annoyings! Right oh. Whatever!

Christian Grey ain’t so sanguine as me though. He gets all moody bout it. Just like b!tch wanted. I reckon he’d like to start in on her with the cat o nine tails but unfortunately she ain’t signed the sex contract yet so he is having to settle with just glowering at her and frowning and stuff. What is his problem? she is asking me. I’ve warned her bout this before, it’s your fvvcking book you figure it out! I can’t do all the work!

He takes her home. They is driving which is a blessed relief to me cos i’ve already heard enough bout his dumb helicopter. I could probably fly the fvvcking thing. On the other hand, i now know an awful lot bout his car

They stop off at this restaurant. You can’t choose what you want to eat they is just serving “whatever they’ve caught or gathered”. Nice. Roadkill and nettles. My favourite! B!tch wants a Diet Coke but she can’t have one. They’re out of season.

You know she met his mum just now? His mum was acting all surprised, i thought it was just the natural awkwardness when you is walking in on your boy licking out a porky retard trussed up in neck-ties, but no, turns out she was surprised cos till that moment she thought he was gay! I still think he might be. He put on Bruce Springsteen in the car (overcompensating! probably if she went through the cd changer it was all One Direction and show tunes) and then he looks at her sincerely and says “Gotta love a bit of Bruce!”. It’s probably the gayest moment in the book so far. I was so cringing I had to put the book down and watch some porn.

Lols! Waitress just brought them some soup! It actually is nettle soup! Sometimes I’m so amazingly prescient! This is one of the proudest moments of my life! B!tch reckons it’s “delicious”. Nah, you’re alright. I had some hawthorns this morning.

We is then finding out bout his first boning (he’s done 15 birds total) which is what i was wondering bout last chapter, how come it was kinky and not normal? It turns out he done it with one of his mum’s mates when he was 15. He’s making out it was a woman, but given what his mum just said
I’m thinking Jimmy Saville or something. Christian Grey was originally a submissive (translation: bum raped) but now he is a dominant (translation: bum rapist).

The waitress comes back with a plate of meat. Badger or something. Anastasia is making out like she’s full up with nettles. This causes a bit of a conflict cos he’s always going on bout wanting her to eat lots of food. This is one of his things. He’s a feeder.

He’s then dropping her off. Before she goes she’s like “By the way… I’m wearing your underwear.” She is showing him. “Christian’s mouth drops open, shocked.” I don’t blame him! You take a girl out, you buy her a nice meal of badger and nettles and she is stealing your stuff! B!tch!

I always wonder bout what b!tches are like the day after I’ve boned them. I pretty much forget all bout them and get on with my life thinking bout the football or what’s on tv or important stuff like that. What girls do, it turns out, is spend the next ten pages thinking bout me, talking bout me, boasting bout me to Katherine ‘Kate’ Kavenagh, rubbing my helicopter in Jose’s face and wearing my stolen underpants. I knew it!

[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 11

The first 11 pages of this chapter is the sex contract. You’d think that would be lols but it’s not. You’d think it’d be all saying what things he can stick up what holes and it is a bit, but it’s all written in dry legal languages so it’s hiding the lols in sentences like “The party of the first part as defined in appendix 3 subclause 7 notwithstanding the articles published in section IV of the fourth participle may subject to the qualifications outlined in the draft form of I66a clause 15 insert the specified articles as defined in Appendix 4 excepting those items qualified in the subsection 7 into the party of the second part on the occassions described as acceptable use which are subject to the fair use qualifications of articles 8 & 9”

I think the problem here is EL James is reproducing this document in full. She ought to have been given me edited highlights! I mostly was scan reading but i did catch reference to anal fisting which is promising for the future and i also learned that the safe words is “yellow” and “red” which is a useful football system for deciding exactly how large an article the person of the first part can insert up the arse of the the participant of the second part. Basically, if she’s starting to tear she goes “Yellow” and he goes slow, and if she’s worried the curtain pole ain’t coming back out she goes “Red” and he’s sposed to stop.

This takes half the chapter, reading the sex contract. To recap at this point I am on page 175. There are 514 pages in total.
To recap on another point, Anastasia Steele is 21 years old. She’s just completed her degree in literature at Washington State. We is now learning that she has managed to achieve this without ever owning a computer or having an email address. It never ceases to amaze me the stuff this b!tch has never done before! She’s never held hands, she never got fingered, she never got kissed, she never had a computer it’s almost like she never existed! It’s like EL James is just sitting about making this sh!t up or something!

We is finding out bout the computers cos Christian Grey is sending her one. Cos she’s so dumb he’s also sending someone to show her how to turn it on. She’s like “I’ve got an email address! Oh my!” and is staring at the computer like she’s the first woman in space and just got given a warp drive.

They is then having a dumb conversation on email. To her credit she ain’t thinking to litter her emails with “xx”'s and smiley faces like most of my female correspondants. She is then googling “submissive” and then we is learning she is “queasy and shocked” bout what she finds. I was interested bout this so i googled it myself. The second hit was about 50 Shades of Grey. I spose that must have been a bit of a head-fvvck! If i got anal raped and then googled anal rape and found out it was all about me getting anal raped I’d be like woah!

[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 12

“For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run.”

Lol she is making this sh!t too easy! I reckon this is possibly the most implausible of all the sh!t she ain’t never done before. I know she’s a fat whale or whatever but seriously who ain’t never run? I mean never! I run all the time! Chasing my victims through the park. I dunno. I don’t like it. I could take her never being drunk before, I could take her never using a computer before but this time she’s gone too far. Wouldn’t surprise me if next chapter we’re finding out she never took a sh!t.

Being a beginner she is listening to Snow Patrol while she jogs. You want something more upbeat than that love! Snow Patrol, if it’s music you’ve got to listen to at all, is music to walk to. B!tch must be slowest runner in the world if she’s trudging along in time to Snow Patrol, but then i spose she never actually used her legs before.

She’s still listening to Snow Patrol later when Christian Grey turns up at her gaff. Possibly Snow Patrol is one of her punishments, we ain’t clear on this. Christian Grey has brought that same neck tie along and he ties her arms to the headboard and he removes her trousers and pants and he lifts her t shirt so it’s covering her face and then he’s like “I’m going to get a drink.”

I find this lols! I read it back over again cos I lols it so much! What I’m really hoping for now is for Jose to stop by now and find her all trussed up and blindfolded and then he can get some, but it don’t work out that way. Christian Grey comes back and he slaps her about a bit and then he flips her over and pounds on her till she comes. “That was really nice,” says Anastasia. Dude has got to be a bit non-plussed by this. I don’t spose that’s what sadists is wanting to hear.

We’ve got a bit of a problem now, she’s sending an email of amendments to the sex contract and one of them is “No fisting of any kind”. I ain’t happy bout this! I was looking forward to the fisting. She also ain’t happy bout the genital clamps. I ain’t entirely familiar with genital clamps. I’m not sure what I’m picturing here, like a bulldog clip? She is also bringing up that she ain’t keen on being whipped or flogged. She’s actually p!ssing me off a bit with all the stuff she don’t want to do! Why not try it first you fat cow? You didn’t know you’d like holding hands till you went ahead and tried it first!

[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 13

B!tch is worried that she’s been too negative bout this whole contract thing. She’s worried he’ll withdraw his generous offer to bum rape her with curtain poles, so when she gets an email from him she is all sh!tting herself bout it, but it’s ok, it turns out he’s just randomly emailing her the dictionary definition of “submissive”. It’s a strange move, considering the b!tch supposedly just completed a degree in English at Washington State University.

She is then emailing him back the dictionary definition of “compromise”. I’m thinking at this point if you’ve both got dictionarys why can’t you look it up your fvvcking self?

She is then spending some time catching up with friends that i don’t remember meeting before, but she’s acting like i do. This happens to me a lot. She’s like “I call Ray who is just about to watch the Sounders play” and I’m like who is this Ray of which you speak? What is Sounders? But she don’t really clarify. Instead she’s like “Paul is back from Princeton before he sets off for New York” and again this is leaving me non-plussed. I wish she’d just stick to the main characters, or at least when I’ve learned a character like cvvnt Travis from chapter 3 make the effort to keep them on stage. I don’t see why we is needing all these new characters. If someone has to go to Sounders, I’d just as soon it was Jose.

This Paul seems to be hitting on her tho, up until she rubs her Christian Grey in his face and then he gets all moody. This makes her “inner goddess make a vulgar and unattractive gesture”. She’s always saying dumb stuff like this about her Inner Goddess. I ain’t even entirely sure what she’s going on about. I think it’s schizophrenia. Every time she meets Christian Grey her Inner Goddess has something dumb to say on the subject. Not exactly say, the Inner Goddess is mute, but she keeps doing stuff like jumping up in the air or touching herself or clapping her hands. I thought Anastasia Grey was the dumbest b!tch in the book, but I’m starting to think the inner goddess might be Down’s Syndrome.

She’s got a date with Christian Grey so we get to hear all bout how she’s washing her vag, and shaving her vag and cleaning her boobs and stuff. This will probably work better in the film version.

All that is left is for her to “mentally gird her loins” which strikes me as a particularly dumb sentence, and then she goes to meet Christian Grey. We find out all bout what he’s wearing and how he’s done his hair and stuff but that don’t interest me all that much.

We then have to sit with them while they have dinner. It takes ages. Here is samples of their rivetting conversations:

“What would you like to drink?” “I’ll have what you’re having please.” “Glass of Sancerre. They have an excellent wine cellar here.” “Are you hungry?” “No” “Have you eaten today?” “No” “I hope you like oysters.” “I’ve never had one”. (Item 276 on things Anastasia Steele ain’t never done before) “Did you choose them for their aphrodisiac qualities?” “No, they are the first item on the menu.”

I like this, that’s what I always do when I go to a restaurant, eat the entire menu in order. Freak!

This goes on for pages and pages.

“Would you like some more wine?” “I have to drive.” “Water then?” “Yes.” “Still or sparkling?” “Sparkling please.”

This is all very realistic. I’ve been with b!tches like that. No conversation. I bet it’s really dragging, I bet even the Inner Goddess is checking her watch.

Then he wants her to knob her right in the restaurant and she’s like lol no! and they is having some sort of disagreement bout it and then she is getting in her car, and being the dumb b!tch that she is both her and her inner goddess is immediately bursting into tears. This is stirring my emotions too. I’m laughing, callously. I like to think Christian Grey is too.

Just by way of explanation, all the chapters at the moment is about will she or won’t she sign the rape contract. I mean obviously she will. There ain’t a lot of suspense bout this, unless you’re particually bothered bout if sub-section 6a is gonna say they meet 3 weekends or 4 weekends a month. Basically, we’re killing time. But it’s coming. B!tch is gonna get bummed, I can feel it!

[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 14

For the first time in her 21 years Anastasia Steele has a sex dream. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking I’m making this sh!t up but I swear that’s what the b!tch just said! She’s at her absolute dumbest at this moment, she’s like wait, who took off my manacles, how did i get in this room… hold on is it possible that was a dream? Is it possible that I just had a dream about sex? It’s tortuous how long it takes the b!tch to figure this simple fact out. We’ve all had dreams you ****ing dumb b!tch you don’t need to explain the concept! “I was seeing like pictures in my mind but they weren’t real!”

“What is this? Why am I wet? Is it possible that I just had a wet dream? It’s bewildering. I had no idea I could orgasm in my sleep.”

I hadn’t thought bout this before. Is this common for girls? I used to have the wet dreams when i was like 12 or whatever, but it never occurred to me that b!tches have them too. They never mention it. To be honest I think it more likely she p!ssed herself but I will make investigations bout this and let you know.

We then find out she’s wearing Christian’s jacket. This makes me lol! Good luck getting the vag juice out your jacket Christian!

Ray, it turns out, is the step dad what taught her the difference between a hawk and a handsaw. He already has my respect, teaching this b!tch complicated concepts like that must have been a real man’s job. He’s coming to her gaff cos the university thing is today when they give you the square
hats. I seem to recall that Christian Grey was sposed to be handing the hats out so i spose he’ll be along in a bit.

She bangs on a lot bout how much she loves this Ray character, but then the first thing she does is mug him off to me saying bout his ill-fitting suit. Stuck up b!tch.

So they go to the university for the square hat ceremony. Here is what she has to say next:

“I make my way to seat amongst my fellow students whose Surname also begin with S. I am in the second row.”

Does this strike you as odd? I mean making them sit alphabetically and they putting the S’s in the second row. It strikes me as odd! But then so many dumb things is happening in this book that I barely raise an eyebrow anymore. I’m like yeah whatever, she goes to a special school where S is the second letter in the alphabet. I’m not even surprised.

Christian Grey turns up on stage, he’s wearing the bondage neck-tie which I’m appreciating. Some of the other girls is chatting bout how hot he is, so Anastasia is telling them he’s gay. Lol. He makes a dumb speech bout how he’s going to eliminate world hunger, as you do, and he’s mentioning that he knows what it’s like to be hungry. I’m with him. Sometimes I’m hungry. Anastasia however, I don’t know if it’s cos in her 21 years she’s never missed a meal but she’s reacting like he just spent 6 years in a lebanese prison camp. She’s like “I swallow, my heart constricting at the thought of a hungry, gray eyed toddler. Oh no.”. Alright love. Calm down. Have a Mars Bar.

There’s a whole dumb thing going on now cos he’s moaning at her for not returning his emails and phone messages and she’s like “Oh I haven’t been checking my phone” and he’s like “I was worried bout you driving home in that sh!t car” and she’s like “Oh you should have called.” I DID FVVCKING CALL YOU DUMB B!TCH WE WAS JUST SAYING HOW I CALLED BUT YOU AIN’T ANSWERING YOUR PHONE FFS! I can see this conversation is going on all night so I skip forward a couple of pages, just in time to catch him mugging her off proper. Someone’s asking something and someone’s like “I don’t know,” and she’s like “Me neither,” and Christian Grey is lolling, “You don’t know much.” Burn!

[scotty]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 15

Now she don’t want to get bummed. They is arguing bout it. He’s saying “But I really want to claim your ass! We won’t do it straight away, your ass will need training. It’ll need careful preparation, but anal intercourse can be very pleasurable, trust me.” “You’ve done it?” she says surprised. “Yes.” B!tch goes quiet for a second. “With a man?”

I have to put the book down for a minute cos I’m lolling so bad at that one!

They is then going through the list of stuff he’s gonna stick up her arse. It’s all part of the contract.
There is butt plugs which I’ve heard of before, then there is beads I ain’t quite sure bout that I’m picturing them on a string or something, then the next item is eggs… I’m wondering where this is going! I mean butt plugs is fairly normal i spose but now we’re into everyday household objects! Telephone. Shoes. Sofa cushions. Eggs is my favourite though.

So they sort out the contract thing, then he is kissing on her and messing with her boobs. Then he is taking off her dress and he dips a finger in her vag to check she’s wet. Then she sucks him off for a bit. Then he makes her put the condom on his knob. This takes her ages. For the first time in my 21 years etc.

Then he knobs her.

We hear quite a lot bout the Inner Goddess (curse her!) this chapter. At one point she is getting ice cream. At another point someone is taking her ice cream away. We are also hearing a bit from this new character called her subconscious. I prefer her to the Inner Goddess. Dude has bought Anastasia a new car, and the subconscious is pointing out quite rightly that this makes her a Ho.

Dumb converation of the week: GREY: I thought we’d celebrate your graduation. Nothing beats a good Bollinger. STEELE: Interesting choice of words. GREY: Oh, I like your ready wit, Anastasia

If you can explain the above let me know! I was staring blankly at the page for like 5 minutes!

[scotty]

                       FIN

At least, that’s all I saved of it. Enjoy,that was some quality writing

[Polski_Filip]

Marvellous effort that.

[lifeintheslowlane]

I’m a slow reader but I did read the preamble and I’m about to start the review of the first chapter…
See you in September…if I’m spared.

[scotty]

That’ll keep you occupied during the lockdown