sry i had Techincal Trouble last night cos photobucket crashed my Computer. I have done this now tho. Is it more better? It seems more better!
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If anyone else gets this prob, reupload a png version of your avatar.
I like to think Bearsy has this music constantly playing in the background, whatever heās doing and wherever he goes, unable to switch it off, just constant soundtrack to his life.
Ok, as promised some time agoā¦
So I was at a house party at the weekend round this girlās house, she aināt a close friend sheās a friend of a friend or whatever. Anyways as I was conducting a search of her bedroom to see if she kept a vibrator i come across a well thumbed copy of the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L.James. When I say well thumbed, I mean the book had been well thumbed and also presumably while she was reading she had also been well thumbing herā¦ what Iām saying is itās supposedly a very dirty book. Thatās what Iāve heard, I know a lot of girls what have read it. My mumās read it! They is all saying itās a very dirty book but I am naturally very sceptical of these claims - how dirty can a book be when youāve already seen Anal B!tches 12 in live action video? Itās just a book after all.
Nonetheless I have confiscated Hannahās well strummed copy of 50 Shades of Grey and taken it back to my gaff for private study. It is my aim to investigate this book. I am gonna investigate exactly how dirty it is, and if we can use these datas in ongoing battles to get b!tches to do all the stuff that Jane Austens said they shouldnāt.
My aim in short, is to be the first man to read 50 Shades Of Grey. This is very dangerous for me. Iām an impressionable bear. When we had to read Jane Austens at school, by page 300000 or whatever I was positively ovulating. Nonetheless Iām gonna take this very serious. I am gonna read it very carefully using my eyes, and my brain, and my cock and balls. I mean, unless thereās no lols then Iāll probably give up after 10 pages.
50 Shades Of Grey: Overview
Ok so the copy Iāve got here is in paperback. This is not a surprise, girls donāt buy their books hardback, theyāre too tight fisted or whatever. The cover is mostly black and a bit green, not like you would imagine a shade of grey or whatever. Itās possible the Shades of Grey is a metaphor for something. I will investigate this later.
Thereās a picture thing on the front. After some investigation I have found this to be a close up of the knot of a gentlemenās silk neck tie. It appears to be a Half Windsor. I say that because itās the only knot I know. My dad learned it me. He tried to learn me the Full Windsor but I found it too difficults. I ended up with a knot the size of my fist and a tie that didnāt reach down further than my nipples. From this we learn that the dude who tied the knot aināt very good at tieing knots. This may be important for laters!
On the back weāre being promised āRomantic, liberating and totally addictive, this is a novel that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.ā
I donāt like the sound of this. I donāt mind reading it or whatever but I donāt want it hanging round forever. Also, there is no mention of anal fisting in that summation. They missed a trick there. Could have boosted sales. If I didnāt already know this book was dirty I wouldnāt have guessed from the cover. Thereās probably some law against that. They probably sell this book in sweet shops, probably 10 year old girls are buying it cos they liked the twilight books. Jimmy Saville would bone in his grave.
I have opened the book and learned that there are 514 pages. 514! Itās all small print too. No pictures! Iām obviously tempted to skim through and hunt out the dirty bits but this is a serious investigation, and Iām gonna be investigating this filfth chapter by chapter. Iām gonna start in on it in a bit, after Iāve had my tea. Iām gonna start with Chapter One. Unless thereās a prologue.
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50 Shades of Grey: Chapter One
It starts of with a bit of first person narration. We know instantly itās a woman cos sheās moaning on bout her hairdo. She goes on to moan bout some broad called Katherine Kavenagh of which we know nothing, then sheās moaning bout final exams so we learn sheās at university or whatever, then she moans bout her hair some more then she moans that her eyes are too big for her face which sounds grotesque. This is all old news. I already knew b!tches like to moan.
It bangs on like this for a while. She moans bout her room-mate who turns out to be the aforementioned Katherine Kavenagh though that took some investigations on my part cos now weāre suddenly calling her Kate, then she moans bout having to interview a āmega-industrialist tycoonā later today which seems to me a pretty clumsy introduction for what I spose is gonna be the first boning in the book. Iāve seen stunt cocks more subtly introduced in german porn. Itās actually a pretty lame bit of exposition or whatever. In the space of one paragraph weāre being clumsily informed that this stud is āthe enigmatic entrepeneur and major benefactor of Grey Enterprise Holdings Incā and a load of other guff bigging up how heās all powerful and important. Iām already investigating that sheās gonna be a submissive. Iāve seen them pornos before.
So she heads off to do this interview thing. Before she goes she bangs on briefly bout how hot Katherine āKateā Kavenagh is and Iām investigating that their might be time for a quick bit of lesbian action but it aināt happening cos sheās already off in her car. Apparently weāre in āVancouver, Washingtonā. This confuses me. Which is it? Aināt they in whole different countries? The b!tch has given her car a name. She calls it āWandaā. This p!sses me off briefly but it turns out alright cos Katherine āKateā Kavenagh lends her a āSporty Mercedes CLKā. Iām already investigating that this aināt gonna be a very well written book. Something bout how āthe miles slip away as I put the pedal to the metalā makes me want to puke.
So she rocks up at this blokes offices. I wonāt trouble you with her description of the building, it goes on for the next 3 pages. We do learn however that she is wearing a navy-blue jacket, skirt, blue sweater and knee length boots. Phwoar. We also learn her name is Anastasia Steele. Yuck.
So the other b!tches in the offices mug her off for a bit, then finally she gets called into see the big cheese. Sheās banging on bout how nervous she is andā¦ lol check this!.. as she walks into his office she trips over and falls onto her hands and knees! I think I know whatās coming, but he donāt mount her straight away instead he helps her up with his ālong-fingered handsā.
They have a bit of a chit-chat, this is pretty boring mostly and goes on for ages but i think the point is to dump some more exposition on us. Sheās wet for him already. Heās well hot and conveniently well rich. Heās 6 years older. Heās gonna be handing out the whateverās at her universityās graduation. His
name is Christian Grey. By some extraordinary coincidence heās got grey eyes.
Then she leaves. He donāt even knob her first. In his defence when they was chatting she suddenly asked him āAre you gay?ā. No dude likes to hear that. Thatād put me off my game too.
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 2
EL James thinks Iām a right dumbass! I mean the events of chapter 1 only just happened but EL James seems to think Iāve forgotten all bout it cos she spends most of Chapter 2 telling me the same stuff again. This chick Anastasia Steele or whatever goes back to her gaff and talks the whole chapter over again with Katherine āKateā Kavenagh. Itās pretty dull stuff to be honest, but I can see why they is all gassing bout it, cos their other topics of conversation is even more borings. Here is a example of their typical dialogues:
āWould you like a sandwich?ā āPlease.ā āWhat sort of sandwich would you like?ā āI would like a ham sandwich.ā
This is pretty much how I imagine b!tches talk when there aināt no dudes around. It seems very realistic. If thereās one thing I know bout b!tches itās that they lack personality. At least the hot ones do anyways.
We is then learning a bit bout her family and her place of work and the genealogy of her horses and whatever. There is probably a bit too much informations bout this, it aināt very interesting. One bit that made me lol is when she mentions her stepdad is a carpenter and heās the reason she āknows the difference between a hawk and a handsawā. Iām starting to wonder exactly how dumb this b!tch is! If it werenāt for her stepdad luckily being a woodworker sheād of being trying to saw her floorboards with a ****ing bird!
Then itās Friday night and this new character Jose is turning up at her gaff with a bottle of champagne. This is sparking my interest! Then we is finding out he is a photographer. This is sparking my interests still further!
Then we is finding out that she knows he wants to bone her but she is keeping him in the friend zone. I donāt like it when b!tches is thinking they can do that. I donāt stand for it personally. I mean itās obvious that if she come out and actually said it werenāt happening he would never bother hanging bout with her. It would be a kinder thing to do. I mean, if heās gonna sit around having to listen to her and Katherine āKateā Kavanagh bang on bout ham sandwiches the least they could do is give him a little titty vvank or something to alleviate the boredom.
The next thing is itās Saturday and sheās working at her job which is a hardware store, which is presumably where she advises customers to cut their decking with handsaws rather than avians and then BOOM! That Christian Grey turns up in what seems to me a very stalker-ish move. They is
obviously not having hardware stores in Seattle so he is having to come all the way to Washington or Vancouver or wherever the **** she lives to get his junk. She positively creams herself when she sees him, but she plays it cool and is like āMr Grey, what can I help you with?ā
He buys cable ties and some rope.
Iām not even joking. Cable ties and rope. I was half expecting him to be like āoh and have you got any gimp masks?ā
Sheās obviously a really sh!t saleswoman cos this simple transaction takes like 10 pages. I can only imagine the poor bastards queueing behind these cvvnts. Iād be doing my nut if i was trying to buy some nails or whatever and the dude in front is spending half hour chatting up the sales girl. Anyways it ends up that they is having to meet tomorrow to get a photo of him for the interview. It aināt a problem, she knows a photographer. Sheās gonna make that poor bastard Jose do it.
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 3
As I predicted the selfish b!tch makes poor Jose come with her to take these photos. They all go along actually, weāve got Anastasia Steele, Jose, Katherine āKateā Kavanagh and for some reason another dude called Travis bout who I know nothing but Iāve already decided heās a bit of a cvvnt just from his name.
Then ole Christian Grey walks in and I lol a bit cos heās only wearing āgrey flannel pantsā. Iām picturing crusty, baggy y-fronts but this of course is America and she is probably meaning trousers. Anastasia is now callously mooning over Christian Grey in front of everyone while we learn poor Jose is burning enviously in the backgrounds. If I know b!tches Anastasia is loving this. They like nothing better than having people all jealous. After the photos she fixes it so she and Grey is going for coffee and no-one else is invited, even Jose who has generously donated half his morning to taking photos free of charge when he obviously had better things to do, and even worse than that she was sposed to be driving them all home but she now selfishly makes them get a taxi or whatever.
Katherine āKateā Kavenagh tries to warn her off and that donāt surprise me either. B!tches do not genuinely like to see their mates copping off with hot strangers, specially when theyāve got to cart 3 tonne of camera equipment back on public transport with only Jose and that cvvnt Travis for company.
Do we know how old this Anastasia Steele is? I spose I should be in a position to say cos Iām the one reading the ****ing thing but I donāt recall it actually being mentioned. Sheās in the final year of her university thing so I guess thatās got to make her at least 20. Reason Iām worried bout this is cos when theyāre walking to the Costa or whatever he is holding her hand and she is casually mentioning in her internal monologues that āNo-one has ever held my hand before.ā
This strikes me as odd! I mean I aināt a big hand-holder myself, I donāt see the point of it, it makes walking more difficults and if you is doing it in public you is looking like a bit of a d!ck-head or
whateverā¦ but still, Never? There must be something seriously wrong with her hands! Iām thinking she must have some disgusting skin condition or something. She did mention at one point her fingers were knotted and I assumed it was metaphorical or whatever but maybe it was literal. Maybe her hands is all mangled up in some way, probably a carpentry accident before she learned the difference between birds and saws.
So they have a long and boring chit-chat in the Starbucks, mostly going over old ground so I can learn that all her family connections is still the same as they were in the preceding chapter when I already had to read bout the ****ing things and then they is walking back and then she is doing that thing b!tches do where they is pretending to trip over so you is having to grab them and then she is looking into his eyes which I am amazed to discover is still grey but thanks for mentioning it EL James you fvvcktard and then she is dropping another horrific bombshell:
āFor the first time in 21 years, I want to be kissedā
Is it just me or are you starting to think this b!tch is a virgin? A 21 year old virgin? A hot 21 year old virgin? I dunno bout you but all the hot girls Iāve investigated didnāt make it to 16 without getting nailed. I spose her spack hands held her up a bit, or she might have been a porker in her younger years or whatever, but still this strikes me as peculiar! Iāll let it go for now. If I know Anastasia Steele like I think I know Anastasia Steele the b!tch will be boring us with the whole story in the internal monologue of her next chapter.
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 4
He donāt kiss her. Smart move in my opinion, b!tch is mental. If he was reading her internal monologues like Iām reading her internal monologues heād push her back over and leg it.
āThank you for saving me,ā she says now. He seems confused by this. I donāt blame him, Iām confused too. I had to read back a bit to find that when she tripped over just now she very nearly fell in the road and got run overā¦ by a cyclist. Oh yeah thanks for saving me, if it werenāt for your superior periphial vision i might have got a skinned knee.
āI shudder to think what could have happened to you,ā he replies clearly taking the p!ss. Iām starting to like this guy!
He then dumps her back off at her car and he goes happily off on his day buying nipple clamps or whatever, whereas she gets in her car (āWandaā FFS) and immediately bursts into tears. This pretty much demonstrates the difference between broās and hoās. B!tches is mental!
She then spends the next 10 pages agonising over this situation. She is saying dumb stuff like What was I thinking? Why am I crying? Why donāt he like me? I dunno why sheās asking me, Iām only reading the ****ing thing i aināt sposed to be an active participant. Besides which, I really donāt give a fvvck!
āAm I too skinny?ā she wonders. I dunno virgin, but Iām pretty sure that aināt it.
Thereās now one of them time jump things I think itās only a couple of days and we find sheās finishing her final exams. B!tch decides to go out and get hammered, and Iām not completely surprised to learn that āIāve never been drunk before.ā Iām starting to wonder bout this virgin! There seems to be an awful lot of things she aināt never done before. Iād think she were Muslim if she hadnāt wolfed down a ham sandwich in chapter 2.
I dunno how you feel about rape. Iāve always been against it personally. Itās one of them things in society what aināt technically illegal but are frowned upon, like picking your nose and wiping it on a train seat. But youāve got to admit in her dealings with Jose this b!tch has been asking for it!
Theyāre all at the bar that night, the virgin, Katherine āKateā Kavenagh, Jose, probably cvvnt Travis and a few other new characters i canāt even be bothered to mention. Jose is buying pitchers of Margherittas. This surprises me, if heās planning to roofie the virgin heād be better off with individual drinks.
So the virgin gets proper hammered and then she goes outside for some fresh air. Jose follows herā¦ Iām getting a bit excited now! I can see where this is goings! He rams her up against the wall and heās all kissing on her face, I donāt mind admitting Iām getting a bit hard! Iām way ahead of the plot now, Iām picturing the lift of the skirt, the rough pull aside of the pantiesā¦ I bet thatās another thing you aināt done virgin! āIn all my 21 years no-one ever finger-banged me in a Weatherspoon car parkā.
āI think the lady said no,ā a voice in the dark says quietly. Itās bleeding Christian Grey come to perform the ultimate cock-block!
Sheās like how did you find me and heās like oh I tracked your phone like thatās fvvcking normal. Whatever.
They have one of their long boring conversations, they go back in the bar and then the virgin abruptly passes out. Huh. Maybe Jose did spike her drink after all.
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 5
B!tch wakes up in Christian Greyās bedroom. Someone has removed her pants. This happens a lot on tv and in movies, and I always think itās odd. They act like itās perfectly moral behaviours, like the dude is demonstrating his sensitive and caring nurturing side by sliding off her underwears. Oh yeah well i had to do that, itās physically impossible to sleep while still wearing pants! I aināt buying that, itās the pervy act of a sexual predator! All joking aside, when I encounter an unconscious girl the first thing Iām doing is not sliding off her trousers, and if i did it wouldnāt be cos iām worried bout sleep patterns!
He aināt raped the virgin yet tho, far as i can tell. I mean thereās no mention of blood all over the sheets, but then i spose heād know better than to rape a virgin in his own bed. I always put
newspaper down first. You canāt tell me he didnāt mess with her a bit tho. As he rightly points out when she acts a bit annoyed bout it, she was either getting fingered by Jose or by him. Either way, b!tch is getting fingered. I aināt completely on board with the morality of this argument, but she seems to accept it and acts all grateful.
If anything he is mostly telling her off now. I aināt sure exactly why. Possibly amongst the things she aināt never done before is a bit of personal grooming. Dude has probably been coughing up pubes all morning. āIf you were mine,ā he advises her, āyou wouldnāt be able to sit down for a week.ā Lol. This is what they call foreshadowing!
He letās her use his shower now. He donāt even go in to watch. This is a mistake! Not from a perving point of view but when b!tches is in your bathroom they immediately start rooting through your cabinets and using your toothbrush and stuff. You canāt trust b!tches!
When she comes out heās bringing her breakfast. Heās being a bit of a cvvnt about it actually. B!tch only just got roofied last night she probably just wants coffee and bed but heās like āFinish your breakfastā and sheās like no I canāt and heās like āEat whatās on your plate.ā Or you wonāt sit right for a week. Iāve heard bout these dudes before. Feeders.
Sheās now flat out asking him to give her one. Heās like oh no I canāt do that, not until I have your consent in writing. Lol thatās classic! Iām gonna try that on some b!tches of my own! Iāll be like if you could just sign here, and notarise here, this bit says Iām going balls deep in your bumhole, this bit says my brother can watch.
Theyāre arranging it so he has to show her something before she signs the sex contract. Fvvck knows what. Itās obviously something more serious than his knob. Heās gonna pick her up tonight in his fvvcking helicopter, but now sheās got to do one so he can buy some spare bedsheets.
He gives her a tongueing on the way down in the elevator. āYouāve brushed your teeth,ā he observes. āOh yeah, I used your toothbrush.ā B!tch!
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 6
I quite like foreplay. Itās pretty sweet! I like how you is feeling her up and she is feeling you up and then youāre messing with her junk then sheās messing with your junk and then itās getting a bit samey so I start getting rough then she gets a bit freaked so I tone it down a bit then she gets a bit romantic and I start to think bout if the b!tch will make me a sandwichā¦ what iām tryin to say is no matter how sweet foreplay is there comes a point lets say bout chapter 4 where itās too much and I just want someone to get fvvcked already!
I dunno how EL James feels bout foreplay but I reckon her dude must be blue in the balls! B!tch canāt get enough! Sheās been moving her dumb chess pieces round for 5 chapters now and iām thinking surely EL James the time has come now for the bishop to mount the horse!
The itinerary as I see it is childishly simple:
Page 1 quick helicopter ride to see this thing that apparently sheās got to see before he knobs her, I still dunno what it is, Iām thinking the decaying corpse of his last girlfriend or something. Page 2 sign the sex contract. Page 3 cowgirl! Page 4 reverse cowgirl! Page 5 doggy! Page 6 piledriver! Page 7 rear entry!
Then break out the hacksaws and sh!t can get real!
It donāt seem to be going down quite that way at first. EL James seems to think I aināt had quite enough of boring conversations yet. Sheād be wrong bout that, but what you gonna do. Here is the virgin and the stalker chattin bout music. This is demonstrating their compatibilities!
GREYS: My tastes is eclectic. I love everything from Thomas Tallis to Kings of Leon. VIRGINS: Oh me too! What an amazing coincidence! I love Kings of Leon too! GREYS: Do you know who Thomas Tallis is? VIRGINS: No. GREYS: Then how is that same you dumb fvvck!
He donāt say that last bit, he āturns and gazes at me brieflyā but I can tell what heās thinking!
One other thing thatās happening is dude is getting business calls. Thatās fair enough dudeās a businessman. Thing is tho cos b!tch is loving his every utterance sheās reporting these calls to me verbatim and cos sheās hearing only his side of the conversations itās all a bit meh! āThey want two?.. How much will that cost?.. Okay and what safety measures do they have in place?.. How safe is Ben Sudan?.. And when do they arrive in Darfur?ā I DONāT GIVE A FVVCK!
She goes back to her house and we find Katherine āKateā Kavenagh has just knobbed Christian Greyās brother. I know what your thinking, that seems a bit random! It is. Iām mostly annoyed it happened off screen though. Just my fvvcking luck! I should have mentioned that he rocked up at the Weatherspoons that night with Cryptic Gay when they was cock-blocking Jose. The brothers name is Elliot, but other than that we know literally nothing bout him. Iām quite happy for it to stay like that.
Katherine āKateā Kavenagh helps the virgin get ready for going to Seattle in Christian Greyās helicopter. She shaves the virgins legs and underarms. B!tch finds this unpleasant, but āKate assures me it is what men expect nowadays.ā Whadaya knowā¦ another thing the virgin aināt never done before!
They fly out to his gaff in Seattle. There are pages and pages of descriptions of his sofa and his oven and his fireplace and his table and his walls and his doorways. Guess what? I donāt give a fvvck! He
comes back with the sex contract thing and b!tch signs it without reading. This disappoints me! First think in the cvvnts house Iām interested in and b!tch donāt bother describing it!
Chapter ends. They still aināt fvvcked. Iāve had enough of this sh!t. Iām hung over and Iām bored and all these dumb conversations is giving me a headache. You should have heard them talking in the helicopter. He was all āyes this is an EC135 Eurocopter. One of the safest in itās class. Itās equipped for night flight. When you fly at night, you fly blind. You have to trust the instrumentation.ā Seriously dude, shut up already bout your dumb helicopter!
I miss Jose. I wish I could read 50 Shades of Jose instead. That dude knew what he wanted!
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 7
Christian Grey invites the virgin to see his āplayroomā.
āYou want to play X-Box?ā she says and Iām just congratulating her on her first funny till it turns out b!tch is serious.
We had a playroom when i was a kid, it was mostly toys and crayons but iām picturing something a bit different. Iād be right!
Here is the stuff in Christian Greyās āplayroomā 1 x Man sized wooden crucifix with manacles 1 x 8 foot square suspended iron grid with assorted ropes, chains and shackles 2 x Curtain poles Lots x paddles, whips, riding crops 1 x flogger (this we learn is like a cat o nine tails) 1 x chest of drawers 1 x leather bench 12 x wooden canes (various sizes) 1 x table 2 x stools 1 x bed (no duvet) 1 x Sofa curiously positioned in the middle of the room facing the bed
Here is where Iām learning my first important lesson! Dude has been quite clever bout this. If I just met a girl and took her into my sex dungeon most likely sheād be freaking out. What Grey has done is bore her into a stupor with boring conversations. Then he has fixed it so sheās get desperate to be boned by not boning her when she wanted to be boned. Then he is making her think of legal obligations cos sheās signed his contract. It wouldnāt surprise me if he paid Jose to feel her up just so she felt obligated by him āsaving herā. Also, the cyclist. Also, b!tch is thinking itās a long walk back to Vancouver/Washington if she backs out now.
āIn simple terms I want you to please me. I have rules and I want you to comply with them. They are for my pleasure. If you follow these rules to my satisfaction I shall reward you. If you donāt I will punish you,ā he says, ominously fingering a curtain pole.
I like this arrangement! I canāt see a problem with it at all. I mean, I aināt sure I could be coming out with these statements personally, I canāt really picture any b!tch of my aquaintance not lolling at such a stupid sentences, but then I aināt been following the Christian Grey Method to the letter. Dudeās a hero!
Sheās like āAnd what do I get out of it?ā. Me, he says, in all seriousness. Imagine saying that to your wife or whatever! Lols. But weāve already found out this b!tch has no sense of humour.
He is now saying that after heās bum-fvvcked her with a curtain pole, b!tch is gonna have to go sleep somewhere else cos he likes his own space or whatever. I say it again, dudeās a hero!
Ok, so it turns out that sex-contract she signed before was a not-telling anyone agreement. Sheās now having to sign another contract. To my relief, b!tch is gonna read it this time:
Obedience - she has to do what he says Sleep - she has to sleep 7 hours before getting boned Food - heās gonna put her on a special diet, and b!tch aināt allowed to snack between meals. It makes me lol he had to put that in there. B!tch is obviously a porker after all! Clothes - B!tch has got to wear what sheās told. Excercise - B!tch has got to get her lard arse down the gym. Personal Hygiene - B!tch has got to shave her pits and wash her vag out every once in a while. Personal Safety - B!tch has got quit falling in front of dangerous cyclists/getting finger-banned by photographers Personal Qualities - B!tch aināt allowed to fvvck no-one else
She agrees to all this no problem. It pleases me that this is what b!tches want! Whenever Iāve been going round suggesting that b!tches ought to get down the gym or lay of the cakes the reactions aināt been quite so favourable. I aināt on board with the bit where Iām having to choose her outfits tho, that sounds like a lot of work!
Heās then asking what are her limits, how is she feeling bout him sh!tting on her or having his dogs lick her out or whatever, and sheās like hmm i aināt really sure, i aināt never had sex before. This surprises him. Dude aināt so clever after all, Iāve been knowing sheās a virgin since like Chapter 4!
And she still is, cos the chapter ends here. FFS.
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 8
āIām going to make love to you now.ā
Oh thank fvvck! I feel a bit cheated tho, dude has been saying all along that he donāt ever make love he only fvvcks. Hard. But Iāll take pretty much anything at this point. I know itās gonna be good cos EL James has broke out the dictionary. Iāve just learned that Anastasia Steele is somnambulant, whatever the fvvck that means.
First thing he does is pull on her hair. Iām on board with this, Iām a notorious hair-puller. Then he bites her lip. Then he takes off her shirt. Then he grabs her ass and rubs his boner up against her. Then heās licking on her belly button. Then he takes down her pants. The he smells on her vag.
āYou smell nice,ā he says. Liar!
Then he pushes her back on the bed and takes off b!tches shoes and socks. This kills the mood a bit, but whatever. Then heās licking on her feet.
Then heās like āShow me how you pleasure yourself?ā
B!tch is dumb. Sheās like āWhat do you mean?ā Iām half expecting her to head for the kitchen make a sandwich, but then she cottons on and is like āOh no Iāve never done that.ā
I dunno bout this. B!tches is always saying they never masturbate, but Iāve always thought they was having me over. On the other hand Iāve got this sex buddy tho and weāre really open with each other bout stuff and she said she donāt ever do it, and I kind of believe her. Sheās like, why would I? If I want sex thereās a dozen dudes I could call. And sheās right. Iām one of them! The virgin aināt got any such excuse, but i spose given all the other things she aināt ever done it aināt that much of a surprise.
Dude grabs her ankles and forces her legs apart and then heās licking her out. Then he stops on that and just starts thumbing on her nipple with one hand. āLetās see if we can make you come just like thisā he says, rather ambitiously IMO. Good luck with that homes, Iām thinking.
But she does, almost immediately.
Then heās fingering her up and finding her nice and wet. Then heās getting his knob out. B!tch is telling me heās got a big one but i aināt sure Iām accepting her testimony. How would she know? Fvvcking virgin. He might be hung like a hamster for all she knows.
He puts a condom on it. Clearly he aināt quite into her Iām A Virgin story. Still, I wouldnāt of been sheathing it. Everyone knows Iāve got a ālatex allergyā. You can ask anyone.
I was interested to learn bout his technique for breaking in a virgin. Would he go for the gentle ease up against the hymen? Would he fvvck! Boom! he goes as he slams into her vag āripping through my virginityā.
āYouāre so tight babyā. I use that line myself! B!tches like to hear that, also when they tell it to their mates, their mates are thinking unlikely cos they know b!tch is slack so they is just assuming i have big penis.
Heās pounding away like a good 'un now. Donāt blame him. This is my favourite bit too!
Iām then turning the page and immediately having to abandon this investigations. Something extremely dramatic has happened! On the second page, bout halfway down, there is a distinct and interesting stain!
Dudes what have been with me with the start may recall I confiscated this particular volume from a girlās bedroom. I am immediately picturing the scene! I can see hannah, relaxing back on her bed, casually perusing the book with one hand, casually perusing her vag with the other. Then she is finding it time to turn the page and this being a two hand operation she is extracting her fingers from her vag and she is applying them to the text, inadvertantly submitting a thump-print of delicious vag juice into evidence! Either that or she is spilling her lemonade.
Iām submitting this stain to further investigation. Iāve got my eye bout a half inch from it, but I aināt detecting an awful lot. Why aināt I got a magnifying glass or electron microscope or something? Iām sniffing on it. Not detecting anything much, Iām ashamed to say Iām giving it the lick. Interesting. Vaguely fruity. Maybe a little bit meaty. Iām calling it vag juice! I prefer to think of it as vag juice!
Soā¦ when dude shoots his load heās shouting out her name. I mean ok if you like it. I prefer to be like āBoom! Fire in the hole!ā
Weāre finding now that he āempties himself inside meā. Iām wondering bout this, given the condom. I guess after he shoots he takes it off and pours it down her vag. Itās a classy move, I might try it myself!
B!tch is in some pain at this point. Dude donāt care. Heās like āturn on your frontā. He lies on top of her. Heās then pulling on her hair and sticking her from behind. I donāt think itās bumhole, I think weāre still in the vag. Heās reaching around and fingering her cl!t then heās making b!tch taste it. āI want you sore baby, every time you move tomorrow you think of me.ā
Job done. Dude finds heās got blood all over his sheets. I fvvcking warned you homes!
Sheās all like romantic and is trying to pet on him or whatever. He tells her to fvvck off cos he wants to have a sleep. Lol.
That was pretty sweet!
Thats all I can post until someone posts a reply.
lol.
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50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 9
B!tch wakes up and sheās really sore in the vag. P!ssing razor blades. Sheās worried heās gonna start in on her with the curtain poles so she comes up with a plan:
āI find two hair ties in my bag and quickly put my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look
the safer Iāll be.ā
Yeah that ought to do it you dumb fvvck. Put on your school uniform. Dudes hate that.
They is then chattin a bit bout the sex last night. Sheās saying she was loving it. He said he quite liked it too, which was a surprise because he ānever had vanilla sex before.ā This surprises me! I mean I get that he donāt have normal sex no more, once you find you like bum rape you tend to stick with it, but I donāt get how it was he never had a normal boning. Like my first time, i was in spain with my mum and dad and Iād fixed it so my mate had come with us, and me and my mate met these two girls and one night i fixed it so i was gonna bone one on the beach, and she fixed it so sheād only do it if my mate boned her mate, and i fixed it that he would even tho he werenāt keen cos she was butters. So anyway weāve knobbed these birds and then Iāve looked at my mate and my mateās looked at me and Iāve gone āRUN!ā and weāve pegged it. I imagine it was much the same for you. What Iām saying tho is if instead of just knobbing her Iād of been popping back to the hotel for nipple clamps and gimp masksā¦ it would have been a bit weird! It donāt happen like that, IMO.
So they is then having a bath together. What he is doing is sitting behind her with his legs around her and he is washing her boobs. I like this bit, Iām getting a small boner. I like touching boobs, especially when Iām doing it in such a way that Iām not having to look at b!tchās face.
Then she sucks him off in the bath. Itās pretty cool how he talks her into this, Iāve had trouble sometimes with talking chicks into a BJ. Turns out my technique was off. Iām all like give me a bj, sheās like lol no! Iām like Please give me a bj but itās too late sheās entrenched in her original position. What Christian Grey does is heās like, āIām gonna fvvck your mouth.ā You see the difference? It aināt exactly a question. More difficult for the b!tch to back out of.
Few incidentals we are learning:
B!tch swallows The room he makes her sleep in is smaller than his toilet Sheās started calling him āBluebeardā. I donāt think itāll catch on. Dude is clean shaven. If anything it suits her better cos we is finding she has big bush
He then ties her up on his bed. Heās doing this with a neck tie, I spose itās the one on the front cover of the book, the one with the Half Windsor knot. Heās tieing her hands up above her head and then heās licking her body and every time she moves her arms heās like āFFS! Now weāve got to start again!ā. Then heās licking her vag and sheās like āAaargh!ā. B!tch must be proper sore! She calls her vag her āsexā. This makes things confusing! Itās the first time in 21 years someone of the opposite sex had sex in my sex.
Thereās some strange noises without. His mum walks in. Lols.
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 10
Jose is back b!tches! Iāve missed him bad we aināt heard from him since he finger-banged her outside Weatherspoons! In the interim period Jose has become considerably more portugese. He is now saying things like āDios mio!ā i aināt looked it up or anything but from the context iām detecting it means āfvvck me!ā. Dude donāt give up!
Heās ringing her up while sheās meeting dudeās mum. Rather rudely sheās answering and then sheās immediately telling Jose that sheās just been boned. Cruel! Jose was really looking forward to getting some of that virgin vag and now itās all ruined! Sheās rubbing her slack twaat in his face!
Sheās then immediately making sure Christian Grey knows that it was Jose on the phone. This is also typical b!tches! They love telling people when they has got other dudes dogging round! Itās the total opposite of how men roll, I go to great lengths to make sure that the b!tches Iām boning know nothing of the b!tches i want to bone. Iām much more considerate! Whereas girls is always telling me oh noes thereās this guy at work and he is always flirting on meā¦ itās so annoyings! Right oh. Whatever!
Christian Grey aināt so sanguine as me though. He gets all moody bout it. Just like b!tch wanted. I reckon heād like to start in on her with the cat o nine tails but unfortunately she aināt signed the sex contract yet so he is having to settle with just glowering at her and frowning and stuff. What is his problem? she is asking me. Iāve warned her bout this before, itās your fvvcking book you figure it out! I canāt do all the work!
He takes her home. They is driving which is a blessed relief to me cos iāve already heard enough bout his dumb helicopter. I could probably fly the fvvcking thing. On the other hand, i now know an awful lot bout his car
They stop off at this restaurant. You canāt choose what you want to eat they is just serving āwhatever theyāve caught or gatheredā. Nice. Roadkill and nettles. My favourite! B!tch wants a Diet Coke but she canāt have one. Theyāre out of season.
You know she met his mum just now? His mum was acting all surprised, i thought it was just the natural awkwardness when you is walking in on your boy licking out a porky retard trussed up in neck-ties, but no, turns out she was surprised cos till that moment she thought he was gay! I still think he might be. He put on Bruce Springsteen in the car (overcompensating! probably if she went through the cd changer it was all One Direction and show tunes) and then he looks at her sincerely and says āGotta love a bit of Bruce!ā. Itās probably the gayest moment in the book so far. I was so cringing I had to put the book down and watch some porn.
Lols! Waitress just brought them some soup! It actually is nettle soup! Sometimes Iām so amazingly prescient! This is one of the proudest moments of my life! B!tch reckons itās ādeliciousā. Nah, youāre alright. I had some hawthorns this morning.
We is then finding out bout his first boning (heās done 15 birds total) which is what i was wondering bout last chapter, how come it was kinky and not normal? It turns out he done it with one of his mumās mates when he was 15. Heās making out it was a woman, but given what his mum just said
Iām thinking Jimmy Saville or something. Christian Grey was originally a submissive (translation: bum raped) but now he is a dominant (translation: bum rapist).
The waitress comes back with a plate of meat. Badger or something. Anastasia is making out like sheās full up with nettles. This causes a bit of a conflict cos heās always going on bout wanting her to eat lots of food. This is one of his things. Heās a feeder.
Heās then dropping her off. Before she goes sheās like āBy the wayā¦ Iām wearing your underwear.ā She is showing him. āChristianās mouth drops open, shocked.ā I donāt blame him! You take a girl out, you buy her a nice meal of badger and nettles and she is stealing your stuff! B!tch!
I always wonder bout what b!tches are like the day after Iāve boned them. I pretty much forget all bout them and get on with my life thinking bout the football or whatās on tv or important stuff like that. What girls do, it turns out, is spend the next ten pages thinking bout me, talking bout me, boasting bout me to Katherine āKateā Kavenagh, rubbing my helicopter in Joseās face and wearing my stolen underpants. I knew it!
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 11
The first 11 pages of this chapter is the sex contract. Youād think that would be lols but itās not. Youād think itād be all saying what things he can stick up what holes and it is a bit, but itās all written in dry legal languages so itās hiding the lols in sentences like āThe party of the first part as defined in appendix 3 subclause 7 notwithstanding the articles published in section IV of the fourth participle may subject to the qualifications outlined in the draft form of I66a clause 15 insert the specified articles as defined in Appendix 4 excepting those items qualified in the subsection 7 into the party of the second part on the occassions described as acceptable use which are subject to the fair use qualifications of articles 8 & 9ā
I think the problem here is EL James is reproducing this document in full. She ought to have been given me edited highlights! I mostly was scan reading but i did catch reference to anal fisting which is promising for the future and i also learned that the safe words is āyellowā and āredā which is a useful football system for deciding exactly how large an article the person of the first part can insert up the arse of the the participant of the second part. Basically, if sheās starting to tear she goes āYellowā and he goes slow, and if sheās worried the curtain pole aināt coming back out she goes āRedā and heās sposed to stop.
This takes half the chapter, reading the sex contract. To recap at this point I am on page 175. There are 514 pages in total.
To recap on another point, Anastasia Steele is 21 years old. Sheās just completed her degree in literature at Washington State. We is now learning that she has managed to achieve this without ever owning a computer or having an email address. It never ceases to amaze me the stuff this b!tch has never done before! Sheās never held hands, she never got fingered, she never got kissed, she never had a computer itās almost like she never existed! Itās like EL James is just sitting about making this sh!t up or something!
We is finding out bout the computers cos Christian Grey is sending her one. Cos sheās so dumb heās also sending someone to show her how to turn it on. Sheās like āIāve got an email address! Oh my!ā and is staring at the computer like sheās the first woman in space and just got given a warp drive.
They is then having a dumb conversation on email. To her credit she aināt thinking to litter her emails with āxxā's and smiley faces like most of my female correspondants. She is then googling āsubmissiveā and then we is learning she is āqueasy and shockedā bout what she finds. I was interested bout this so i googled it myself. The second hit was about 50 Shades of Grey. I spose that must have been a bit of a head-fvvck! If i got anal raped and then googled anal rape and found out it was all about me getting anal raped Iād be like woah!