Apparently Yoko Ono tweeted “Give us some advice that will make our lives heal and shine”
Some of the best responses are below, some funny some not so funny:
· The little arrow next to the pump logo tells you which side of the car the tank filler hatch is on.
Charlie O’Malley @charliebadger99
· Turn your tins of beans upside down when you put them in the cupboard, that way none get stuck in the bottom when you open them.
Matt Stephens @MStephens1977
· Always check there is paper, before you sit down.
graham davies @GJDavies001
· Clear nail varnish makes ideal Tippex for people who don’t make mistakes.
Berk On A Bike @Berk_On_A_Bike
Mike Duckett @duckett_mike
· Lids are held on jars through… a vacuum, not because they are screwed on tight. Put a spoon under the lip of the lid, lift and break the seal and the lid will lift off easily.
Denise Mina @DameDeniseMina
· Don’t split up the Beatles when they have a few albums left in them.
The Nafemeister @nafemeister
· If you’re commuting from Barnsley to Sheffield a McDonald’s coffee is now 10p cheaper at Tankersley than at Meadowhall Retail Park.
John Broom @barnsleyrunner
· Demand higher taxes for the rich, open borders, a working welfare state and basic income everywhere.
Sonja Dolinsek @sonjdol
· Eat day old Yorkshire puddings with chilli sauce.
John Sturgis @sturgios
· If you marry into the British Royal Family always wear a seat belt.
· A decent pair of oven gloves is worth 1,000 towels.
Disappointed Optimist @disappoptimism
· Let’s stop being afraid of what could go wrong and let’s start being positive about what could go right.
· Take your coat off indoors, or you won’t feel the benefit when you go outside.
Matt Ruddell @MattRuddell
· Rescue a magpie. Teach him to say Merry Christmas.
Penelope Pendragon @PenPendragon
· Don’t eat the yellow snow.
Rev Mike Wilson @PoetTaxiDriver
· Eat the yellow snow. Yellowest snow is the ripest.
Dr Ilke Turkmendag @IlkeTurkmendag
· Be kind and useful. Don’t take offence when none is meant. The joy of comfortable shoes is not to be underestimated.
Kate Cunningham @Katie759
· Avoid flat-roofed pubs.
Brixton Bum @pejro
· Don’t keep lightbulbs in your back pocket.
petrol gibbon @njalskinner
· Lidl have superb Ceramic frying pans.
· Never be sick into a wire mesh basket.
Brian O’Keefe @rider45
· Seek out comedy. Laugh more.
Jeff Cohen @JeffCohenwriter
· Thermal vests are underrated. Use one, you won’t regret it.
John Shiel @JohannShiel
· Make your packed lunch before you go to bed because you won’t be arsed to in the morning and you’ll end up eating a Greggs again.
Beverley Friend @beverbeverley
· Peanut butter, crispy bacon, and bananas go strangely well together in sandwiches.
Bruce McPherson @brucemcpherson
· When visiting Paultons Park, place your trousers under the mattress before going to bed. It helps keep the crease.
Alex Lester @alexthedarklord
· A Pringles lid fits on a can of beans if you only need half a can for your fry-up.
· A plastic milk bottle top makes a great water bowl for a pet shrew.
Mark Rae @markrae
· Old telephone directories make great address books. Simple cross out the names of all the people you don’t know
· Don’t take laxatives if you have a tickly cough.
Archbishop Poet @morrissey2020
· Get in early and go round clockwise, the queues for rides will be shorter, nearly everyone goes the other way.
· Soup boil, soup spoil.
Ben Rowe @benrowe
· Don’t talk to your husband in too much detail or about anything serious until he’s been awake for at least 30 minutes and has had a strong cup of tea.
· Use hairspray to remove sticky label marks from glass jars.
Chantel Fromtheshire @FebruaryStars70
· You can use washing up liquid to make shower screen doors open and close more easily. Just reapply once in a while.
· Never attempt a winter invasion on three fronts at once.
James Roy @jamesroywriter
· Rescue a dog. It might save both of your lives.
· Rub a spoon on your fingers under a cold running tap to get rid of the smell of garlic.
Eleanor Rugbi @EleanorRugbi
· A canal may look narrow enough to jump across - they’re not…
· Use the edge of a teaspoon to peel ginger.
· Never tie your shoe laces in a revolving door.
Scott Plews @plewsey24
· If your bed is freezing or you are cold- use a hair dryer on your mattress for a few seconds before jumping in. Much better than a hot water bottle
I’m sure Philippine saint will enjoy this.
I could do with a woman sitting on my face right now
They make you walk on water to work on the rig and you have to catch your own dinner on the way?!
God Sotonians is boring on a Tuesday without @Barry-Sanchez
I’m looking up more shite than usual
Thank fuck for that, I am so fed up of my son using Americanisms, the worse one being “can I get” instead of “can I have”
Was General Noriega holed up in there?
Someone should check their posting history Dejavu_Phil
PC gone mad innit :-
I’ve played netball. My superior strength and good looks gave me no advantage whatsoever.