😆 When I Saw This I Laughed Or At Least I Smiled Or At Least I Wasn't Bored

If our club did this then it might make queuing for a beer at half time more bareable.

Turns out it may have been someone with a universal remote (on their phone) changing channels.

Was in Carrefour yesterday stocking up on stuff after the vacation.

Spotted these. Think they would complete @saintbletch’s Summer Time Matchday wardrobe perfectly.

This nifty little device, used properly, can stop you snoring. Simply place over your head, tie securely, hey presto.

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David Squires is back…

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Toby Young’s shit attempt at humour backfires…

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Honestly, how fucking stupid do you have to be to think that’s a good own in his position?

You remember that “nurse” who got arrested here for drinking wine?
The real story is starting to circulate here I can’t post unfounded rumours but seems she is on a par with Benidorm Hotel moaners.
Anyway this is from FB.
Wine.

I’ve also read some stuff about expired passports and being very rude. So other stuff is out there on the net. Which is the fake news?!?

There’s nothing there.

will try again from laptop.

Meanwhile olden but golden

More quotes - this time, air traffic control:

“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

Control tower to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough for another one.”

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”

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Not sure where to put this. Zenit were 4-0 down after 1sst leg. They have gone through 8-5 on aggregate. 6 goals were scored after they went to 10 men

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So, true story. When it happened, I laughed.

The missus accosts me the other day. She says “this is going to sound like a nag, but it’s a funny nag”. For once, this turned out to be the case. “You’ve done the one thing that all the girls complain about, but I never have about you, not in 24 years”.

I’m confused as fuck at this point. “Guess”, she says.

Still confused, I say “just tell me”.

“You left the toilet seat up”.

It was at this point that I laughed, quite uncontrollably.

Once I regained my composure, I explained “Ginge, the reason I’ve never left the toilet seat up before is because I’ve never lifted it up before. I’m an aimer. I wipe it if I miss, like”.

“Keep fucking aiming”, she says. “I’d rather that than have to put the seat down”.

Women, eh? :smiley:

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There is some scope for some mischief making here. As she is used to not having to put the seat down before having a piss, wait until you both have a few bevvies one night and lift the seat. Chances are she will be too pissed to notice and disappear into the bowl as the Ayatollah did one glorious evening.

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Its a cultural thing In the Philippines with lots of poor people the bowls will be installed but no seats. so visitors are not always used to having seats and most Filipinos will squat above the bowl if they are shitting and Filipina’s will squat all the time, So invariably the toilet seats get left up. I moan at the mrs for spraying the seat with water and not wiping it off when she is cleaning herself with the spray water pipe and not using the toilet paper which she hangs the wrong way on the roller when it gets replaced.

This story?
Basically, she’s a lying cunt.

Michael Gove’s wife…

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Clearly they’re intellectually well suited