We Play Man City

Man City v Southampton

SUN 24 MAY 2015 - PREMIER LEAGUE - 15:00

About the Opposition

Club History

It has always been my dream, once my millions have been made, to gather my capital and open the biggest, gayest nightclub that England has ever seen. I would call it Man City. I would dress the dancers in baby-blue shorts, and we would all gather round on a weekly basis, to watch them suck. And while they suck, we would sing encouraging songs about delicious blue arses. “Blue Moon,” we would sing, whilst we firmly grip the shaft of our nearest neighbour, “you saw me handling a bone,” and so on, I forget the rest of the lyrics. Sometimes, right, we would all turn around, link arms, and present our sexy blue bums to the world. It would be fantastic! I defy even the straightest male not to harden at this super-camp scene, even if, as may prove the case, some of the on-stage dancers look like James Milner.

I don’t know how Noel Gallagher came across my business plan, but cum across it he certainly did, because in 2008, he did exactly as I outlined.

In Sept 2008, Man City opened its doors, as the North-West’s first openly gay superclub. Noel Gallagher was overjoyed! For a while, you could hardly move without seeing the smug face of him, or his brother, gurning proudly from one stadium or the other, and to be fair, they did enjoy a fair amount of early success, courtesy, one imagines, of the Pink Pound. But it did not last. As the years ticked by, they became increasing bloated and expensive, and every subsequent performance was somehow less likeable, less impressive, than those that came before. People began to drift away. Sure, occasionally you still meet a die-hard fan who claims that they are still exciting, valid and interesting, but they are deluded. Indeed, on impartial consideration, it is hard not to conclude, that only the first album was any good.

The Manager


City of Manchester Stadium, 1st Team Changing Room, January 2015

The match was over. A 2-0 home defeat to Arsenal, had signaled a death knell to the Man City title challenge, and the career of their manager, Manuel Pellegrini. Most of the players had already gone, to play supercar chicken on the M6, and to spit-roast delicious Hollyoak crumpet in night-club toilets. Only a few stragglers and slow coaches remained, staring sombrely into the black soul of their Audemars Piguet watches.

David Silva smelt something. He looked accusingly at James Milner. “What crawled up your arse, and died?”

Milner did not reply. He was staring at the dressing room door, an expression of pure terror on his face. Everyone turned.

“Oh fuck no!” screamed Yaya Toure.

Standing in the doorway, illuminated by the flickering fluorescent hue of a malfunctioning strip light, was the zombified corpse of Manuel Pellegrini. He stretched his gnarled hands towards them. “Brains,” he said. The word fell from his drooling lips like a threat, and fell clunking to the floor.

The players scattered. Yaya jumped out a window, Silva hid himself in a kit bag. Only Milner remained, cowering in the corner, half-naked, and too utterly petrified to move.

The zombie shuffled towards him. “Brains,” it repeated. “Must. Eat. Brains.” It stood over James Milner, and looked down on him with yellow, lifeless eyes. Then it sighed, disappointed, and turned away.

“Brains,” it said mournfully. “Must. Find. Brains.”. Maybe it would have more luck in the Arsenal changing room. Assuming Jack Wilshere stayed home.

Top Wag

Samir Nasri’s compensation for being Samir Nasri, is Anita Atanes. I don’t begrudge him this. It’s only fair. If I had to be Samir Nasri, it is the least that I would ask. Nasri has taken full advantage of his good fortune, and in the 20 months since he first received Anita Atanes, he has spent 14 of them “injured”.

Things People Say About Man City

“You can buy great individuals, but you’ll never be United.” - Sir Alex Ferguson

“Grini is Chilean for ‘hat-trick’. His name literally means, ‘Pelle Hat-Trick’. Lump on!” - Paddy Power


Pap! Can you think bout these things pls:

  1. I find formatting v.difficult cos i don’t know HTMLs

b) I need Smileys + Thumbups

  1. Are we ok being Carry On Papsweb, or do we need to up our game + be less Lowbrows on Papsweb?
1 Like

Man City. LOL!

I reckon 0-1 Saints win.

1 Like

I think we’ll win too! Or even 2! 2-1 prob, Imagine a thumbsup here pls. I also thought we’d win yesterday. When I think things they quite often happen, it’s a gift and also i.e. a curse, like i.e. the end of ghostbusters. Don’t think bout penile shrinkage! Don’t think bout penile shrinkage! Dammit. Imagine sadface here pls.

1 Like

Pap! Can you think bout these things pls:

  1. I find formatting v.difficult cos i don’t know HTMLs

b) I need Smileys + Thumbups

  1. Are we ok being Carry On Papsweb, or do we need to up our game + be less Lowbrows on Papsweb?

I’m still in Southampton at the minute, Bear, and away from my main development computer. I’ve already promised bletch that I’d look into a few plugins for the editor to make things easier. Should be some movement on this in the next day or so.

It’s not really my intention to moderate too much, and this place will be what it is, defined by your content and the cold, hard approbation of the voting system.

I loved this, by the way.

I reckon 0-1 Saints win.

Worth bunging a bet on that, or even just outright win. Home crowd will be proper up for it until we score, but’ll get antsy at the sixty minute mark if they still haven’t scored.

We are guaranteed 7th place! :slight_smile:

Originally posted by Coxford_lou

We are guaranteed 7th place! :slight_smile:

Yes, I believe I’m now at the age where I can say “lovely stuff” credibly.

Lovely stuff.

Record breaking season for the Premier League era. We beat our tally of points from last season, and we’ve never finished higher.

Spurs bro has reminded me we have longstanding wager bout who will finish higher. We really need to win this game pls + cheer on Everton pls! I can’t afford to be handing out £10 notes to spurs bros all over the place!

My team would be:





MotherFuckers: VICTOR and/or MORGAN and/or CORK and/or REED and/or DAVIS

GSers: SAD MAN and/or PELLE and/or LONG and/or MAYUKA and/or JAYROD

The bear forgot to put that they were established in 2008. How are people going to know when clubs were established if the bear forgets such vital information?

The bear is not ready.

i put it in the 2nd & 3rd paragraphs you complete homosex! Can everyone stop trolling me pls! I’m starting to feel like i.e. Lou or i.e. MLG!

The bear is correct, he did kind of put it. The man apologises, he rarely reads posts longer than 3 lines. The man has been scared by bletch neverending posts and stadium expansion promises.

1 Like

Sad it’s the last day of the season, but I think well go out with a bang! 0-1 to the Saints. 6th place in the table. :slight_smile:

This has been my favourite ever season, not just because I love Koeman, or the drama of the achievement. But also because I went to more games than usual (mostly thanks to Bucks), and met lots of you! Big love to you all… :kiss: :cool:


It has been my best ever season supporting the Saints. Would love to see us somehow nick 5th on the final day, which would be a fair reward for a hard-fought season. I don’t think anyone would begrudge us it.

Liverpool need to win at the Britannia to prevent us from climbing above them in the event of us winning. A draw isn’t enough, because we score too many goals, innit? :cool:

Same with Spurs really, except a Saints win and Spurs draw puts us ahead of them by one point. Goodison is not going to be an easy place to go to on the final day of the season either.

If the City players are even halfway on their hols, there is everything to play for.

Not playing badly here at all. Shane Long just had a good chance. Good save from Hart though.

Oh my god this is so stressful/exciting. I don’t know if I can last 90minutes without bursting!

Gutted. Lampard, the bastard. Will no one rid me of this quarrelsome centre midfielder?

With Loserpool living 5-0, we’ve got to get something at city. Got to.

We CAN do this. Mane has just been warming up.