There is no second series. Randomly pitch show titles!

As we race toward Sotonians 2nd birthday, I find myself remembering some of the early days. One of the first decisions taken was the name of our Banter Forum. @tokyo-saint and I, in better times (sniff!) eventually settled on Monkey Tennis.

Like the forum it was intended to replace, it wasn’t original. It was a reference to this brilliant scene from I’m Alan Partridge, arguably the widest comedic influence on this site.

My starter for ten?

Chainsaw Does Eight out of Ten Cats Does Countdown.

There is no second series. Pitch your show, Sotonians

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Fuck Off.

Like Bake Off, but contestants have to impress either male and female judges (or both) with their skills, against the clock.

Low budget, you can use the same marquee and washing area.

Titchmarsh to present?


“If you don’t take it, Sky will!”

Masterbation Marathon.

Male a female participation finally proving that long-term pudding-pulling doesn’t damage the contestant’s IQ…or in the case of certain Sotonians…does damage the contestant’s IQ

I’d like to put myself forward as head of the judging panel.


Is the mispelling of masturbation:-

a) designed to appease Chapel Kate?
b) a bit like when that record “I’m a wanker” was sold as “I’m a winker (misprint)”*

* The scandalous accusation that I am trying to popularise “winkers” as a colloquial term for “people from Winchester” because of this record has every basis in fact.

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“Strictly get me outta here dancing on master chef’s ice while using your voice in the jungle while using skis…”

It’s got everything, so that’ll clear some of crap on tv these days.

Got to be worth a automatic repeat on Dave or Yesterday right there.

The spelling mistake is intentional…most masturbators won’t notice it due to the effects of overstimulation.


What spelling mistake @lifeintheslowlane


Naked Blind Date for the Saga Generation?

Or something more exciting like The Crawling Dead.

A drama documentary about the life of a Central Line Commuter? Game of Phones.

Perhaps a short series could be Corbyns Greatest Victories

But I think you need a fly on the Wall Documentary Brexit The Negotiators


I think we have our first contestant.

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Casual Tea

Young(ish) men bedecked in Stone Island clothing sit in a café, enjoying a nice cup of Orange Pekoe and cheery, good-natured banter. A truly heart-warming show.


The Shirt Locker

An erudite man with a suspect groin inspects the contents of his wardrobe before selecting one of his most flowery shirts. Thus attired, he heads out to a pub to partake of a sour-tasting beer, produced by the country’s most litigious, bully-boy brewery.


Supermarket Sheep

A combination of Supermarket Sweep and One Man and his Dog. Dale Winton invites shepherds to put their dogs through their paces in a large Tesco Extra, herding the sheep through the aisles and exiting correctly via the checkout. Points are dropped if the sheep stop to graze in the vegetable aisle, or if the dogs do so in the meat aisle.


Freudian Slop

Eminent psychiatrists analyse patients before serving them inedible food.


Antiques Roadshow

A cautionary tale of a group of people, mainly men of a certain age, and their attempts to stay relevant by posting messages on a fans’ forum of their local football team.

Watch the jolly japes, misunderstandings, humour and ongoing feuds between some of the posters.

Surely one of the best advert for the reintroduction of Care In The Community …


I think you mean Talking With Dinosaurs…


Snatch of the Day … Chapel Ka …er…better not !!

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“Barry or not Barry” - nice Shakespearean title for this quiz show where contestants are given hyperbolic and often outrageous statements and must guess if they were made by Barry Sanchez.

Face off style, perhaps knocking off the Chase but with Bruce Forsyth’s reanimated corpse to present.

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“Top of the Pots”

A gardening show where contestants have to compete to see who can best meet whatever random horticultural challenge is set.

Featuring some of the 70s best known musical paedophiles competing against the clock and each other from inside HMP Wandsworth.

Hosted by the braless ginger bird from Ground Force.

Where do I pick up my cheque, Channel 4?

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A daily exercise program you can join in with at home, hosted by Dr. Harold Shipman