It certainly goes down well in Slowlane Mansions. We always have a Bananarama for breakfast.
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Did they play any instruments, apart from a tambourine…
Indeed… a female vocal group (back in the 80s it was still correct that they were female)
Barbarian (Palace Software)
Barbarian holds the rare distinction of being both a good game and a masterclass in 8-bit era marketing.
The cover featured Page 3 model Maria Whittaker and a shirtless bodybuilder who would later become Wolf from Gladiators. If you were a kid in the 1980s, this was basically porn with swordplay.
The game came bundled with a folded full-size poster — easily smuggled past your mum until she caught you and your mates giggling every time the goblin kicked a freshly severed head off-screen.
A proud moment in video game decapitation history.
Bravo, Palace.
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Barry
During the entirety of the 1960s and 1970s, Liverpool City Council enforced an archaic by-law mandating that all males take the given name Barry.
The implementation was a disaster.
Midwives were confused, baby swaps were not unknown, and to this day, shouting “Barry” in a crowded room will see a sea of grey or bald-headed men in their sixties swivel in your general direction.
Liverpool City Council eventually relaxed the rule:
“If you’ve got a Barry you can have a Gerry,
and if you’ve got a Gerry you can have a Terry.”
Defiant as ever, locals ignored the advice.
Everyone’s called “Cal” now.
They could have played my pink oboe anytime.
BASIC
BASIC is a computer programming language that came pre-installed on most 1980s microcomputers.
It stands for Beginner’s All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code, and while dialectical differences existed between platforms, there was usually enough commonality to allow programs to be broadly compatible.
An old favourite of mine was:
10 PRINT "FUCK OFF ";
20 GOTO 10
Basic enough, short enough, and quick enough to allow it to be entered onto several of the computers in the Dixons showroom — leaving just enough time to admire one’s handiwork and scarper past salesmen and security.
You can’t do that sort of thing anymore thanks to lock screens.
I wonder if, in some small way, I was responsible for that.
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Batman
Batman is apparently the world’s favourite superhero — beating Superman and Spider-Man to the punch.
This is especially revealing when you consider Batman has no superpowers.
Some say it’s the power fantasy: with enough rage and enough money, it could be you in that cowl.
Although in reality, any actual Batman would be dead by the end of Day One, never mind Year One.
The character’s been a miserable bastard ever since Tim Burton took over.
He still cracks the occasional one-liner, but let’s be honest — he’s a bit of a downer.
It’s the Rogue’s Gallery that keeps us coming back:
a cohort of sickos and sociopaths you won’t find anywhere else in comics.
Take them away, and Batman’s just another reclusive billionaire
playing himself in Fortnite and wondering when the Pizza Hut’s going to show up.
Calling yourself Batman
Do not call yourself Batman if at all possible, especially if you lack the detection skills, the cash or the ability to call Ed Miliband a moron without it completely backfiring.
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BBC Micro
The BBC Micro was a microcomputer used by everyone, and owned by almost no-one. The machine was commissioned by the British Broadcasting Corporation to become a BBC-branded computer for Britain’s national computing upskill. Acorn Computers won the contract to produce it, so the BBC Micro made its way to every school in the country so the kids could get tech savvy.
In reality, most youngsters constrained themselves to getting a high score on Chuckie Egg. The computers were not a big hit in the home.
It has long been said that there are two kinds of families in the UK, BBC families and ITV families, complete with class-based connotations.
BBC families were seen as more middle class, more cultured, more likely to love all things BBC.
ITV families were generally more working class, less sophisticated and more likely to be watching the channel with adverts.
They wanted Impossible Mission and Jet Set Willy at a price they could afford. The C64 had better sound, the Spectrum had better games, and the Amstrad gave you everything in one box.
It’s no wonder the BBC Micro was broadcast to so few homes.
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Beagles
A breed of dog infamously used in scientific experiments.
Their plight was exposed by whistleblowers Hale and Pace, who introduced Basil the Smoking Beagle on their sketch show in the early '90s.
Basil — now long dead — was eventually rescued and gave up the ciggies.
His descendants are mercifully on the vapes.
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We had one of those at home - Dad sold the spectrum and there was to be a two week computerless gap until the bbc turned up. The old man wanted to surprise us with the new computer, but as a relentless wind up merchant he thought he would just tell us about selling the spectrum without mentioning the incoming new toy
I don’t think he was prepared for the howls of anguish and utter devastation from me and my brother - I think he might have got less of a reaction if he had told us mum had run off with the milkman
So he shat himself, abandoned the big reveal idea and promised to buy a floppy disk drive as well to try and shut us up
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The BBC B had Elite!!
We had a Spectrum AND a BBC B, and I had a program for the BBC B, that I had written, printed in a magazine, for which I was paid a princely £25!
My wage in IT hasn’t really increased
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That game was utter shit until you managed to buy the docking computer - I think I managed it by pure fluke - ie being broadly lined up and hitting the afterburners and praying that you were aligned properly when you arrived at the door
Beanie Hats
Beanie hats are an essential accessory for men on either end of the hirsute spectrum.
For the bald man, a beanie offers warmth in winter — and the added bonus of being easily identifiable in a festival crowd.
For the long-haired among us, it provides shelter during the awkward Liam Gallagher phase — that in-between time that leads to dark thoughts, such as “maybe a mullet would be easier.”
Beanie hats have largely spared the world from this possibility, but are unfortunately not eligible for the Nobel Peace Prize.
They can also be stuffed in Liam Gallagher’s mouth during those rare moments when he’s not arguing with Noel — and is threatening the world with another tour.
Beanie hats are not intended to be worn by beans.
I was lucky enough to have a ZX-81 with a 16k memory pack plugged into the back. Then graduated to a 16k Spectrum and finally a 48k Spectrum. Still got them somewhere along with dozens of games.
My old man was a competitive bastard and didn’t want to be outdone, so he bought a Texas Instruments TI99/4a. I think he managed to get 2 games for it as no one wanted to make games for it. Soppy git!
And i’ve had the whip hand on the old sod ever since! 
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Benefits Street
There are times when you can be in complete opposition to something but still sit back, behold, and admire it.
Benefits Street is one such case.
An exploitative programme perpetuating the notion that all benefit claimants were piss-takers in some capacity, it ran alongside an early 2010s political campaign to enforce massive austerity on those very claimants.
At around the same time, our current Prime Minister was boasting about getting benefit fraudsters ten-year jail terms — by reclassifying the offence as fraud.
It was the perfect example of all the fronds of authority coming together,
almost like almost like Orwell’s Ministry of Truth had commissioned it directly. All to achieve a singular aim.
Benefits Street wasn’t a complete propaganda coup.
It got as many people asking “Why is this on TV?” as asking “What’s on TV?”
That can only be a good thing, long term.
Unless you have access to and have used the Shark repellent bat spray, you cannot call yourself. Batman
What class does those who bought the Acorn Electron?
I bought that film on YouTube.
It’s a work of genius.
I like the bit where they are hit by a missile while in a helicoper.
Certain death surely?
No.
The helicopter crashes on a big mound of industrial foam.
Slightly lower class than anyone who bought a BBC.
It was essentially a cut-down version.
We had no money. My first computer was even worse than the Electron.
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