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Imagine facing a whole squad full of the Premier League’s biggest snarling, needly wind-up merchants. It’d be hell, wouldn’t it?
Every challenge would be disputed, every referee’s ear would be chewed off, and you probably wouldn’t get much actual football played at all.
But given that we wouldn’t actually have to play in the match, then all of that sounds pretty good to us.
So we went ahead and picked the squad which could take part in a match with more needle than your average inoculation ward.
There’s a representative from every Premier League team, and we’ll kick off with , sorry, Bournemouth.
A master of the sly little foul and then the innocent face afterwards, the midfielder on loan from Arsenal is always a spiky little character when he’s not on the treatment table.
The Swiss midfielder’s first campaign with the Gunners has featured a lot more cards than our average Valentine’s Day. So a lot more than zero, then.
Yeah, we know he’s been bombed out of the club because of his betting breaches but how could we put this together without ol’ JB being involved?
Leading the line for our side, the Chelsea forward might have his eyes on a Chinese windfall but he’s still very much a Premier League menace to opposition players, referees and, well, pretty much everyone in his way.
He might not have had as much action at Selhurst Park as he was expecting this season, but the billionaire-in-waiting still boasts almost 10 years of experience of niggly fouls and winding-up in the Premier League under his belt.
In almost five years at Goodison Park, the spiky Belgian forward has collected 14 yellow cards, two reds and committed 113 fouls. You can imagine he’s pretty annoying to play against.
Hull’s David Meyler learnt from the best when it comes to getting dirty on the pitch owing to his four years spent at Sunderland with Lee Cattermole (more on him anon). A real nuisance for any opposition.
A tough, battling German who fine-tuned his mean streak while playing for Tony Pulis at Stoke. Now at Leicester, Huth sets about leaving his mark on anyone he can - not least Alexis Sanchez. That did come at a price, however…
The Liverpool legend (ahem) recently celebrated 10 years at the club . In that time, he’s made committed 408 fouls - and wound up approximately 99% of opponents.
Originally brought in as a bit of a midfield destroyer, Fernandinho is now more a box-to-box player. Yet he’s retained his ability to go from foul to wind-up, and earns a spot in the squad as a result.
A man who knows how to get under the skin of opponents, particularly when it comes to man-marking. A constant nuisance, he also knows when to cynically foul and when to play up an injury. For further evidence, just see Antonio Conte moan about Herrara’s kicking of Eden Hazard all over the pitch earlier this season.
Yes, he may have had a pretty unremarkable career thus far in the Premier League, but whenever you think of this particular twin, you can just picture a little terrier nibbling away at your ankles. Or is that just us?
Arrived in the Premier League from Feyenoord in 2015 with a reputation for - in the nicest possible way - being a pretty horrible midfielder. And unfortunately for opposition players, he’s absolutely lived up to it.
This inclusion will probably get a big cheer from the Arsenal fans - or should we say boo? Stoke’s long-term tough tackler knows how to leave a “marker” on his man, and there’s no quicker way to getting right under the skin of absolutely everyone involved with the opposition.
Surely we don’t need to explain this inclusion, do we? It’s Lee Cattermole for goodness sake. While we’re at it, he may as well take the armband for this squad too.
Norwich, QPR and Swansea have all counted on the Dutch international’s experience to help keep give them an advantage against difficult challenges in the Premier League. Admittedly, the attempts to stay up haven’t really worked, but at least he’s wound people up along the way.
Definitely the man with the meanest streak in this new-look Tottenham. Some pundits have said he needs to keep it to become truly world class, others reckon he needs to reign it in. All we know for sure is that it most definitely exists.
The Hornets’ Captain Fantastic knows exactly what he needs to do to gain an advantage on the pitch. In 71 Premier League appearances, he’s made 90 fouls and has been a right handful for defenders since day one.
Alongside Mean Streak FC’s club captain Lee Cattermole, Claudio Yacob is another man that needs little explanation for his inclusion. Runs on to the pitch with an intention to do everything possible to get one over the opposition - and often succeds.
The man who sharpens his elbows before any game has long been best mates with Kevin Nolan, one of the all-time great wind-up merchants. Suffice to say you can’t spend that long in his company without taking on some of his traits.
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