🎄 New Year

[Map-Of-Tasmania]

There is something about being able to have a crap on your own crapper, taking your time, reading a book, or watching a good film without worrying about hogging the bog whilst all the reletives are waiting…

[Fatso]

You may have misunderstood. We hosted and have been in our home all Christmas. Everyone has now left. The bit about holding in a poo was completely coincidental. I didn’t hold in a poo while guests were here. But I am now… Whilst eating cheese and drinking wine. I suppose it shows the relaxation of post family Christmas. Everyone has gone so you can breathe a sigh of relief and put your feet up. I need a shit but I can’t be bothered and if it comes out on the sofa I won’t care because the guests have gone. Mrs fatso will be angry, of that I’m sure, but I’ll deal with that.

[Goatboy]

I’m holding in someone else’s poo.

[Fatso]

I’ve been told to go for a poo by Mrs fatso

[Map-Of-Tasmania]

I apologise that I have made such an error of judgement about your philosophy of a decent shit. In future I will hold such opinion in… a bit like your poo

[CB-Saint]

The neighbours have cried off with a cold, thank fuck

Have a nice Flametree Shiraz to while away the evening

[Saint-or-sinner]

Enjoy.
Opened three bottles today and the cheapest by a fucking long way was the best.

It also has the most amazingly tactile label(you’ll believe me if you buy one), which is a weird thing to notice, but notice i did(as will you, if you buy one).

[Intiniki]

Not had a single alcoholic drink today. Back to work tomorrow.

[Intiniki]

have a Christmas ‘beef’ thread?

[Map-Of-Tasmania]

Should that not be a ‘turkey’ thread ?

[Saint-or-sinner]

Turkey’s and Christmas.
If only there was a quote that incorporated those two words(i’d be moved to a different thread😉).

[Nottarf-Krap]

Not to mention stinking the place out and not opening the window when the mother in law is next in line for her turn. I used to take great pleasure in doing that. Ho Ho Ho.

[pap]

My soon to be mother in law cannot stand hearing two words. Twat and cunt.

So one Christmas I made sure to say them a lot.

If you think that’s rude, you should have seen the dinner she served. Some strange old fucks (not just @ericofarabia) living in that town.

My soon to be sister in law makes cauliflower cheese with Primula, the dirty mare.

[Goatboy]

Get one of these. Someone bought me one a few years ago and I use it as my work cup.

[Bucks]

Are you left handed then?

[pap]

She’s not offended by “unt”

[BTripz]

Just in case anyone is stressing about Christmas Day…!
Here’s my top tip
Christmas Dinner…
I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs…
It’s a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!! We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year…apparently not!
Here goes…

1. Turkey… It’s a big bloody chicken that’s all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over its cooked!
2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs, pine nuts and a shit load of fresh herbs to make stuffing…( no fecking wonder he’s bankrupt if that’s what he spends to make stuffing!)
   What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking .
3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well…
   Bisto Jamie… All you need is Bisto!
   I, nor any one else I know, has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour, cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy
4. Vegetables… Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable… If you don’t like them don’t buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then that’s good enough!
5. Roast potatoes… Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same .
6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like… Aldi or Lidl!
   (oh and while we’re on the subject of pudding- if birds custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that’s fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)
7. Family…
   Children… Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn’t matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace!
   Adults… Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc.
   And Finally…
   NO ONE… And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET TIPSY AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!
   Rant over
   Merry Christmas!

[PhilippineSaint]

I take issue with 3
Gravy is made from the fat from the meat 3 Oxo cubes and some plain flour and water. Shove your Bisto up your arse.

The rest is fine

[Goatboy]

Can i also add that nearly killing the mother in law with cocktails is apparently a no-no too.

[BTripz]

Yeah, I did take offense at that as well but I couldn’t be arsed to edit it out