Mouners at a Chinese funeral have asked to be reimbursed after the body came back to life.
*It was unbereaveable", they complained
To the people who self-identified as a bell end getting a slap from Beadleās smaller hand, Iāve just taken a tour down south, told it many times, and it went down gangbusters.
I suppose itās the way you tell them. I do the whole joke on the tone of an English news announcer.
There is no comical Chinese accent, but I bet there was in your head.
And that would make you the racists 
Joking of course. And slightly pilfering the squirrel skit from Bellamyās People.
I was also inspired by South Parkās genius use of the literal when taking the piss out of Tom Cruise without getting sued by his lawyers.
I asked the Geordie barber for a perm.
He said āI wandered lernly as a cloudā¦ā
I heard you can tell if your partner is having an affair by their excuses for being absent.
I would tell my wife, but sheās taking the ferret to midnight yodelling lessons.
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Weāve elected a new Prime Minister we know almost nothing about.
For example, do we even know what his father did for a living?
Did his father own a toolmaking factory? It took about 30 seconds into his speech yesterday before he informed us all that heās working class. Heās NOT working class, and he should stop pretending that he is. Heās a Knight of the realm, extremely wealthy, estimates are that he is worth between 12 and 15 million pounds. Owns several acres of prime land in Surrey. Just stop with the gaslighting bullshit FFS.
Hint of envy there ? 
I couldnāt care less about his background or if he shits goldā¦ It will all be about the decisions he makes and whether we have a government that serves rather than feeds at the trough like the last bunch of corrupt cunts
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Not at all, it may impress you that heās worth a few mil but it means nothing to me. I just wish heād stop with the gaslighting crap, pretending that he is something heās not. I couldnāt care less about his background either, but please just stop insulting us with this Uriah Heep bollocks.
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Did he play in a shitty 70s metal band?
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It doesnāt, so donāt patronise me with your holier than thou attitude.
He is our current prime minister after getting rid of the Tory cabal, so maybe give him a little while after being in post for less than 48 hrs to clear up the mess they left before piling in on him?
Not that I rate him particularly highly tbf.
āItās Lyme Disease,ā said the doctor.
āAre you sure?ā I asked.
He said āwell, it ticks all the boxes.ā
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Anyone know how Liz Truss did on her first day working at Microsoft?
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I first realised my wife had a weight problem very early in our marriage.
In fact, from the moment I dropped her over the threshold.