😆 Joke thread. (NSFW)

Monkey Tennis
213

In bed with the wife, she said “can we do it Liverpool style?”

“What’s that?” I asked.

She said “I want you to spend ages on top, and come second.”

10 Likes
214

Niki Lauda has died, aged 70.

His family are getting a 50% discount on the cremation because he’s already half doneï»ż.

4 Likes
215

“I see that famous Austrian Grand Prix driver has died.”

“Lauda?”

“I SAID, I SEE THAT FAMOUS AUSTRIAN GRAND PRIX DRIVER HAS DIED!ï»żï»ż!!”

3 Likes
216

Shame

Jamie Oliver’s Restaurants have just gone into adminestrone.

217

This came up again in a German newspaper today, a story from Nikki Lauda from way back when

It was one of those US morning shows that came to the NĂŒrburgring, and the reporter, what a woman, tall, blonde, fully equipped, she wanted to interview me at the accident site. They had said “Ui, he will cry for sure, that will be a great emotional moment! But I took a croissant from the hotel buffet and put it in the grass first.” She starts "Mister Lauda how is it to be here? I Say, “just a moment” and take a few steps in the grass. She asks “what are you doing?” I pick up the croissant and say “oh look here’s my ear” That was it, she lost the plot and they had to do it all over again.

10 Likes
218

Didn’t you just cross post that??

219

probably.
I’ve been out.
It’s been raining all day.
There’s an election.
I haven’t had a beer all week.
etc

2 Likes
220

God created 0rgasms so that women could moan even when they are happy!

3 Likes
221

I got a new TV today in order to watch the play offs.

Trouble was when I opened the box there were no Leeds in it.

4 Likes
222

nicked

223

Ladbrokes are offering 7/1 on Lauda surviving the cremation.

6 Likes
224


and no Dancing on Ice
no Skates. :lou_lol:

1 Like
225

6081
6081439×524 27 KB

2 Likes
226

Police are investigating an episode of ‘Bargain Hunt’ filmed in Liverpool

after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their ÂŁ300 budget

5 Likes
227

I would legit watch a show based on this premise.

This is sadly as good as it gets. Dickheads openly admitting their crimes.

228

Fishing Honeymooner :smiling_imp:

It’s a nice sunny day so Jim decides to go fishing at his usual spot at a local river. Taking up his usual place, he is surprised to see another guy sitting on the opposite side of the river. When Jim leaves that evening the stranger is still sitting there.
When Jim comes back early the next morning, the stranger is there again and is still fishing when Jim leaves at night.
This happens for a few days until Jim can’t contain his curiosity any more. He walks up to the stranger and says, “Excuse me, I can’t help noticing that every morning when I arrive you are sitting there, and you’re still there when I leave every night. Don’t you have a home to go to?”
“I’m on my honeymoon,” replies the stranger. “My wife is in that log cabin up there on the hillside.”
“Shouldn’t you be up there screwing her then?” says Jim.
“I can’t. She’s got gonorrhea,” says the stranger.
“What about doing it in her tradesman’s entrance?”
“Can’t. She’s got diarrhoea.”
“Well, couldn’t you get her to give you a blow job?”
“Nope. She’s got pyorrhea.”
“That’s terrible,” says Jim. “Why did you marry her then?”

“For the maggots.”

3 Likes
229

Man rings his doctor. “Doctor. I think I might be incontinent.”

Doctor. “Where are you ringing from?”

Man. “From the waist down.”

6 Likes
230

About three weeks ago a mate of mine was out driving in town when he saw the white flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past again at a snail’s pace.
Now three weeks later, He’s received six fines for driving without a seat belt
!

8 Likes
231

A guy from the RSPCA knocked on my door this morning.

He said, “We’ve had a complaint that you’ve been overfeeding your cat. Apparently it weighs the best part of four stone.”

I said, “It’s not a cat.”

“Oh” he replied, “There must be a mistake, is it a dog?”

I said, “No, it’s a hamster.”

2 Likes
232

I didn’t like that motorway trip much. The overhead signs kept showing messages about fucking my mother, then the guy at the pay booth took my money, called me a paedo and told me to kill myself.

I think it was the M6 Troll.