I've got this mate....the Sotonians confessional

Ok, this thread should be used for stories of the odd/weird/sick/funny/perverted/illegal things that your mate says or does.

In no way should you use it to share something that you, yourself do whilst trying to pass the responsibility for those acts on to a fictional mate.

That said, nobody will really know if the story is about you or a mate so feel free to use it as a Confessional.

Whatever you do, no matter how brutal the cross-examination, never reveal if the fact is about you or a mate.

Oh, and the fact must be true.


I’ve got this mate who pauses live women’s sporting events. Especially on hot days. Especially if he’s alone in the house.

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I’ve got this mate who, when younger, told his mother that the white gloy-like mess she found every morning on his bedroom curtains was caused by his routine of getting out of bed, kneeling down and blowing his nose. :nose:


I have a mate who has just discovered his TV has a slow-motion replay. I’ve warned him it’s a sorry path to poor eysight and infertility in years to come.

He seems not to hear me as he continues to re-cycle old movies that he recalls feature female nudity…I think it’s already affected his hearing too. :lou_sad:


I have a mate who has a 1.8 terrabite internet porn collection for when he is at work.


I have a mate who has a dog that lies on its bed in the morning licking its own penis. No matter how hard he tries my mate has no success in training the dog to form a similar taste for other people’s genitalia.


This thread has the potential to go very dark…it may even be the first Sotonians thread to require a Parental Advisory sticker on the box.


I’ve got a mate for whom the penny has only just dropped (after a year !!) that the whole Bearsy Burger King sketch is in reference to another notable ‘Bear’ Grylls


I’ve got this mate, involved in a ‘friends with benefits’ type set up, where said friend has an unusually large benefit to the point that it’s no longer beneficial. I tell no lies - she asked me my advice.


I don’t get what you’re saying. Does she have a big fanny?


I’ve heard Theresa and her crew are good at cutting benefits (oo-er :lou_surprised: ), maybe your mate should give them a call…

I apologise, Fats. It’s because I’m a lady and I’m only allowed to talk about such shocking matters in code.

But no, my mate is the one with the fanny. The ‘friend’ is the one with the…ahem…“benefit”.

Impressively large (the porn collection).

A tissue shortage a few days into your “mates” time offshore?


My friend doesn’t believe violence is ever the answer!

A mate of mine left out some rat poison and his neighbours cat ate it and died a painful death.

My mate was very understanding about the neighbours kids grief and agreed that hanging would be too good for the scrote that poisoned little fluffy…



I’ve got this mate (female) who met a bloke with an enormously large appendage.

She also has a medical condition so when they got down to it she felt that she should tell Mr Big.

Just as they became the beast with two backs, she said: “I’ve got a heart condition”.

Mr Big helpfully suggested that she lay on her side and he would try to miss it.


Jeez, I’m not even going there!

I knew a bloke who many years ago was having an affair with a local married woman.

Having seen that her husband’s car wasn’t there one morning, this scoundrel knew it was safe to go to the local phone box and give her a call.

What he didn’t know was that said husband had just been round to pick up his father-in-law and was about to go visiting a friend…who lives right next to the local phonebox.

SO…halfway through this call to the married woman he is greeted by the sight of both her husband and father, pulling up in a car, right outside the phonebox. :astonished:

Petrified, he swiftly ended the call and stumbled out of the box to be greeted by them jokingly asking why he looked embarrassed and why he was using a phone just 300 yards from his home?..how they all laughed about the innocence of it!

This is where the real lesson starts, and it involves how many lies you have to tell before it becomes too complex to keep up.

So he mumbled through some desperate complicated story about how the home phone wasn’t working and he had to report it, which was bloody good having been caught on the spot.

But what he then had to do was go home, crawl around under a table and dismantle wiring on his own home phone just to support this whole sorry escapade when it was discussed later between the two couples when they next met.

My friend has had some scary moments, and that one is right up there - so he tells me.


I’ve got this mate that would spend Sundays getting his missus to drive him about. He would sit in the back seat of the car, smoking cigars and reading the Sunday newspapers.

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A mate of mine has worked out how this site works. The site owners take an original idea like the Downvote Domina studio thread and they set up a copycat, but pervert it to their own ends. Just like Liverpool with Saints players or Coxford Lou and Syria. My friend for one will not be participating in this cheap knock off thread any further.