If Sotonians were

When you read the drivel posted on here by our twattish membership, do you ever cast people in roles from history, sporting teams, films or books?

No, just me?

Well just in case it isn’t just me, here are the two thread rules (I like thread rules).

If you suggest a scenario that you place Sotonians’ members within, you have to include yourself, and you have to explain your rationale - unless it’s obvious.

If Sotonians were… Start Trek - The original series

pap - Kirk - A bewigged bloke who has a lot of problems with cling-ons

Bletch - Scotty - Continually re-routing the tachyon flow

d’Owl Fly - Spock - a deep thinker, devoted to logic and emotionless who is over 100 years old

Goatboy - Bones McCoy - Always laying his hands on unsuspecting and anesthetised people.

Fatso - Tribble - Initially considered cute and funny but after a while, you come to the conclusion that he’s dangerous.

Bulsara - Chekov - Seemingly communicates in Russian most of the time

Toke - Sulu - Speaks Japanese and if he isn’t there, nobody really notices or cares.

Bear - Uhura - only allowed here due to equal opportunities legislation

The RaleighBoy - Nurse Chappel - Nobody knows much about them except that they are a sarcastic cunt


I’d just like to play in bletch’s Star Trek world for a bit.

I reckon Chutters could be a villain in this. A version of Khan Noonian Singh that had been stuck on a Sotonians thread (which I thought was safe) attracting nothing but downvotes for thirty years.

The Wrath of Chutney.


Cast members in the original Neighbours

Bletch - Harold Bishop - benign presence that oversees all with a careful eye - always leaves you wondering if he’s secretly a paedophile though

Lifer - Lou Carpenter - I imagine he’s got strong hands - good for gripping things

Pap - Jim Robinson - strong, opinionated, mulleted

Fatso - Paul Robinson - evil twisted cunt

Bearsy - Bouncer - nice to have around but won’t stop licking his balls and shitting on your lawn

Me - Jane Harris - I sit around touching myself all day


If Sotonians was Star Wars: A New Hope

Me: **Han Solo - ** Because it’s my post and I can be who I want, plus I am a bit scruffy lookin’.

Mr Trampoline: **Luke Skywalker - ** Not happy in his current job, looking for something more.

Intiniki: **Princess Leia - ** The only woman in Star Wars, and the only woman currently on Sotonians? (correct me if I’m wrong on this one)

Bazza and Cherts: **C3PO and R2D2 - ** Always squabbling, provide some comic releif, probs would be best friends in real life :lou_wink_2:

SteveintheForest: **Chewbacca - ** Chewie comes from the forest too.

I could go on but I’d be here all day and there’s a price on my head that I need to sort out.



**Fowllyd ** - Max Farnham - the posh boy on the estate

**SO5 4BW ** - Patricia Farnham, Max’s classy wife. Also “Bob” from Blackadder.

**bTripz ** - Ron “Dicko” Dixon, mostly principled family man, sometimes misguided. Not above using a shooter.

**Tokyo Saint ** - Barry Grant, ruthless business owner that’ll push your wife and kid off a rooftop. No messing.

**Barry Sanchez ** - Jimmy Corkhill. Close jester. Occasionally incoherent when he’s on the smack.

**Furball ** - Simon Howe, dangerous cult leader that ensnares other Close residents and tries to blow up the joint.

**Coxford Lou ** - Katy Rogers, pulled into Simon’s evil machinations. Presently missing from the Close.

**Pap ** - Bobby Grant, committed leftie and patriarch. Ends up living in a camper van.


Err hello!


Consider yourself corrected


Ruth you can be **Aunt Beru ** :lou_smiley:

Classic Corrie

Bletch - Annie Walker - matriarch of the Rovers, serving gold old fashioned Best and Mild - to go with Betty’s hot pot - none of your hipster brewhound piss served to wankers with breads here

Tokes - Bet Lynch - Past his prime, but such a tease

Cherts - Betty - Grumpy hot pot maker

Bazza Sanchez - Albert Tatlock - Stuck iwith post war attitudes with a hint of 70s ‘concerns’ about foreigners and foreign goods fucking our glorious nation

Ant - ken Barlow - for using the term ‘sub-optimal’ in a post on a football forum… A term that marks your card as boring cunt in the office let alone when enjoying ‘social intercourse’ on web forum

Pap - Hilda Hogden - Curtain Twitcher

Fatso - Ena Sharples - Spits acid

the C Kid - mike Baldwin

Chutters - Rita Fairclough - getting on a bit, but still glam :lou_is_a_flirt:


The ‘A’ Team

Bletch - Hannibal - Smart arse

Murdoch - Bearsy - nothing to say

Fatso - BA - no patience with them crazy fools

Cutters - Face - Charming, good looking and Sophisticated

Pap - Col Decker…


Happy Gilmour

I’m obviously Happy

Pap is my Caddie

Barry is Shooter McGann

Rallyboy is of course Grandma (everyone loves Grandma)

Bletch is Adam Sandler/the Nasty Nurse

Chutney is Richard Kiel with the your ball is on my foot line.

Bearsy is the writer who came up with the Happy Place idea

Goatboy has to be the coach who says just tap it in the hole"

That leaves the Dwarf on the Bike, the Chick in Underwear for you to fight over

( no it would have been sizeist for me to suggest Pap as the Bike rider)


Following my Brookside research, and in classic Richard Herring style, have remembered that I really fancy Lindsey Corkhill.

Claire Sweeney less so.

Chutney Rib : Battery Sergeant Major Tudor Bryn “Shut Up” Williams. Shouts a lot, occasionally gets angry. Very occasionally gets very angry. Ultimately just wants everyone to work together and to get on and tries to achieve this by telling people to SHUT UP!

Bletch. Bearer Rangi Ram. Wears odd clothes, talks a lot, not much of which makes sense but occasionally comes out with a gem of transcendental wisdom. Dictatorially enforces a hierarchy that simultaneously gives him power at the same time as making him a serf. You Ruddy Fools.

Flyd Owl. Jonathan ‘La-dee-daa’ Gunner Graham. Is Hughniversity heducated,effeminate as fuck, plays football wearing glasses, plays an instrument which has earned him the moniker of the Camp Musician.

’Slowlane. Colonel Charles Arthur Digby St John Reynolds. The forum paterfamilias, well travelled, thinks that life is hard even though he’s got it easy because he does fuck all. Doesn’t live in the real world, has too many miles on the clock and drives a Beetle.

Bazza. Punkah Wallah Rumzan. Spends most of the day pulling people’s strings. Nobody can understand him for 99.2% of the time but once in a while he shares some real insight (Narcos).

SO5 : Gunner ‘Atlas’ Mackintosh. Big bloke who you’d like to have beside you in a ruck, but you know that most of the day he wears makeup and probably secretly wants to touch you intimately. Also drinks too much Jack Daniels.

Halo Stickman : Captain Jonathan Tarquin “Tippy” Ashwood. Don’t see enough of him, but when you do you could listen to him all day long…sounding idealistic and like he’s from a bygone era. You know that when he’s not On Camera he’s probably having tiffin.

Stevesintoponies and Cobber : Gunner ‘Nosher’ Evans and Gunner ‘Nobby’ Clark. Essential cast members, agitating for bigger roles but are still developing their schtick - find themselves typecast as Thick and Thicker (not sure which is which), but they will get their own back in series 3…

Lord Duckhunter : Bombardier “Solly” Solomons. The calm, voice of reason, eternally trapped in 70s sitcom world. Politically correct and the token “Jew” that pap keeps around so that people don’t accuse Sotonians of being antisemitic. Also wanted to exit after the first series so was demobbed into internally-focussed obscurity.

Mr Tambourine. Gunner ‘Parky’ Lovely Boy Nigel Parkin. pap’s favourite (Tory). Young, idealistic, ambitious but thick as shit and crap at everything (No offence), probably the lovechild of a liaison between the site owner and a famous female Tory prime minister.

Bristol Saint Ted Maul : Char Wallah Muhammad. Wanders around all day, usually singing (PJ Harvey) to himself until someone loses it and tells him to Shut Up!

Intiniki : Gunner Gloria Beaumont. Waltzes around the place pretending to be a woman who doesn’t like football, but we all know she’s secretly one of the boys.

papster. Gunner “Lofty” Harold Horace Herbert Willy Sugden. Um, can’t really think of any physical similarities but they both like whispering ‘grass’. Shhhhh.


I’m really not sure which is more worrying about that last post by Beltch.

The fact that he could come up with such detail of all the characters of that TV Show.

Or the fact that I remember them all now he’s reminded me.

PLEASE tell us that Netflix has the show on Re-run and you don’t remember all that from the 1980’s repeats…

The Bond Channel down here had given me the idea of a Bond list, but 1) I couldn’t compete with that and 2) everytine I tried to come up with a list frm Bond I ended up with Craigs List and that just brought up images of Bears


I never made the Ain’t half hot hit list :lou_lol:

Not even as Punkah Wallahs, or Chai Wallahs - heartbreaking

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Well pretty well spot-on for me Belch…except the drive a Beetle bit…it’s a…

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