Chutney Rib : Battery Sergeant Major Tudor Bryn “Shut Up” Williams. Shouts a lot, occasionally gets angry. Very occasionally gets very angry. Ultimately just wants everyone to work together and to get on and tries to achieve this by telling people to SHUT UP!
Bletch. Bearer Rangi Ram. Wears odd clothes, talks a lot, not much of which makes sense but occasionally comes out with a gem of transcendental wisdom. Dictatorially enforces a hierarchy that simultaneously gives him power at the same time as making him a serf. You Ruddy Fools.
Flyd Owl. Jonathan ‘La-dee-daa’ Gunner Graham. Is Hughniversity heducated,effeminate as fuck, plays football wearing glasses, plays an instrument which has earned him the moniker of the Camp Musician.
’Slowlane. Colonel Charles Arthur Digby St John Reynolds. The forum paterfamilias, well travelled, thinks that life is hard even though he’s got it easy because he does fuck all. Doesn’t live in the real world, has too many miles on the clock and drives a Beetle.
Bazza. Punkah Wallah Rumzan. Spends most of the day pulling people’s strings. Nobody can understand him for 99.2% of the time but once in a while he shares some real insight (Narcos).
SO5 : Gunner ‘Atlas’ Mackintosh. Big bloke who you’d like to have beside you in a ruck, but you know that most of the day he wears makeup and probably secretly wants to touch you intimately. Also drinks too much Jack Daniels.
Halo Stickman : Captain Jonathan Tarquin “Tippy” Ashwood. Don’t see enough of him, but when you do you could listen to him all day long…sounding idealistic and like he’s from a bygone era. You know that when he’s not On Camera he’s probably having tiffin.
Stevesintoponies and Cobber : Gunner ‘Nosher’ Evans and Gunner ‘Nobby’ Clark. Essential cast members, agitating for bigger roles but are still developing their schtick - find themselves typecast as Thick and Thicker (not sure which is which), but they will get their own back in series 3…
Lord Duckhunter : Bombardier “Solly” Solomons. The calm, voice of reason, eternally trapped in 70s sitcom world. Politically correct and the token “Jew” that pap keeps around so that people don’t accuse Sotonians of being antisemitic. Also wanted to exit after the first series so was demobbed into internally-focussed obscurity.
Mr Tambourine. Gunner ‘Parky’ Lovely Boy Nigel Parkin. pap’s favourite (Tory). Young, idealistic, ambitious but thick as shit and crap at everything (No offence), probably the lovechild of a liaison between the site owner and a famous female Tory prime minister.
Bristol Saint Ted Maul : Char Wallah Muhammad. Wanders around all day, usually singing (PJ Harvey) to himself until someone loses it and tells him to Shut Up!
Intiniki : Gunner Gloria Beaumont. Waltzes around the place pretending to be a woman who doesn’t like football, but we all know she’s secretly one of the boys.
papster. Gunner “Lofty” Harold Horace Herbert Willy Sugden. Um, can’t really think of any physical similarities but they both like whispering ‘grass’. Shhhhh.