Dear Ralph, cc Les

Dear Ralph, cc Les


Hi Ralph,

Just thought I’d drop you an email as you were out of town yesterday, I think we need to catch up…

That was a lovely picture of you and the owners watching the Winter Olympics on TV, I particularly liked the way you all had freshly unfolded identical scarves draped on you by wardrobe assistants, it really gave you the common touch.

Early results from exit polls suggest that social media post increased the feeling of the Marching Together concept by 1.7% and offered potential scarf sales of 4% - great stats and a win-win.

As for the game, hopefully you turned over after the ice hockey and caught a bit of it.

Disappointing but not surprising was the general feeling around the arena, though there were also good shouts for feeble, gutless, error-strewn, lacking in cohesion, embarrassing – sadly no one mentioned Marching or Together.

I gave your regards to Virgil as you asked – he was able to have a chat with me behind the goal during the second half as he had literally nothing to do, he looked lovely in high-viz orange.

It has to be said, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but with the performance being a ‘slight disappointment’, I was surprised to see the four of you gurning like circus clowns as you watched it, the rest of us were less amused.

And I have to say, while the stats for brand-awareness across Asia and the US are excellent, for a franchise built on the Soccer experience of Les, and yourself, one of the world’s greatest Ice Hockey coaches, we do look incredibly out of touch in the actual ‘sporty’ competitive bit.

Having been around the brand longer than you guys I have an insight into how a season can look in the third quarter, and I don’t know how to break it to you, but this one isn’t shaping up terribly well…

I don’t want to alarm you, but in 2005 I saw a roster heading for relegation, and this season looks like a nod to those guys.

Back in the day they’d got to a cup final, lost it, lost their way and some managers, and then went down without a fight.

Some might harshly observe that this isn’t a team we have now, it’s a frigging 2005 tribute act.

The class of 2018 has little fight, no threat, the offensive line is never given the ball, the midfield receivers can’t even pass to each other, we have a pair of defensive linesmen who are a goal threat in both boxes, and every week they all meekly climb aboard a bus that has Relegation written boldly in big black letters on the destination board.

Now if you think that is being alarmist I need to point out, my pants are dry, but I know what relegation looks like and smells like, you can sense it - and this team stinks of relegation.

There are 26,000 people who’ve seen it before and recognise the signs, and another 2000 who are too young to have suffered it before, but they will get the whiff of Championship football sometime in the next ten weeks.

Change the manager people shout, even when it is individual errors costing points - so we have a problem.

If I could compare the franchise to the Titanic, which I think I can, people have been pointing at the iceberg since we were twenty-five miles out.

There’s a guy who points at it every season and has been wrong for the last nine years, even he will be correct this time.

We are now a mile away and closing rapidly, so appointing a new helmsman at this point would be like bringing on Steven Davis late in a game and thinking that will turnaround a two goal defeat.

A new boss might be able to stack deckchairs, tune violins or sort out evacuation procedures, but we are now at a stage where he’ll struggle to avoid the actual impact.

It’s just about too late - the last chance saloon now has less beer on tap than the Rockstone and the Fat Lady is halfway through the first verse of that appalling Saints song you insist on playing at the stadium.

So what can we do?

It might improve matters a little if we dropped the pictures of players cheerfully training and talking about positives after defeats?

Maybe lose the 'gurning clowns look’ as you watch the games, and instead you could have a crisis meeting with the manager and coaches an hour after the game, and ask them what the fuck you have just witnessed?

I suspect the fans would like to see some passion, some fight, a little sign that someone other than themselves actually cares.

I realise you’re busy at the moment, but as soon as the Ice Hockey final is done, perhaps you could sit down with Les and see if he’s noticed that things are going a little bit ‘Charlton’.

It might also be an idea to hold off the old rallying cry Hollywood speeches for a bit, they don’t sit well with a fanbase who can see what is happening before their eyes.

Ditto the unwavering support for the manager thing.

Finally, I don’t know if you’ve heard of Rupert Lowe but I’d hate your career to be remembered in the same way.

Sorry to sound a bit down about things but when no one turned up yesterday after half time, even the most dedicated franchise supporters wonder what the fuck is actually happening?

Anyway, great news on the Asia brand-awareness figures, love to Kat, good luck with it all - see you soon.


PS Don’t wear any mustard cords, or tweed – and don’t get confused by my Titanic reference and appoint an ice hockey coach - and for god’s sake don’t answer any questions about radio stations or catering until I’ve briefed you.


Krueger and Les.

“Get down, Ralph. It’s a @rallyboy !”

“Is that like offside?”


Dear Ralph, Big Kat, Maury, Les and the Chinese,

Fuck off you leaches.

The end.

Barry (no kisses as you’re either useless or parasitic cunts)


Bazza; Did you see what Rallyboy wrote? I did. it was brilliantly written and funny and I share the anger that obviously inspires it.


Dear Barry, be good to your promise and fuck off to your own, single, thread rather infect all the others.

Now would be good.

Yours sincerely,

Everybody (except probably NYS).