What can I say?
I was expecting to provide a comprehensive match report yesterday but a couple of things got in the way.
Firstly, I sought legal clarification on some of the content I was about to share with our legal team of Holland and Holland and Lamont Dozier and Goatboy. He wasn’t much help, so I decided to publish and be Dan’d. But then I got embroiled in discussions with a new client from Korea.
So apologies for the delay, and welcome to our home, suewhistle.
It was a close game, finishing nil-nil after 70 minutes. Watching from the sidelines where I will be for a little while was very frustrating.
The first thing I noticed was that it looked like someone had put Sky+ on s l o w m o t i o n.
I couldn’t reconcile this with the fast-paced and skillful game I was used to being part of. I looked to see if this was this walking football that The RaleighBoy plays on Monday nights, but it wasn’t.
I listened out for a bell in the ball in case this was that blind football that The Flyd Cat plays on Thursday evenings (he’s a ringer), but it wasn’t.
Then I realised that the game was simply missing the pace and guile of a handome, erudite and charming play-maker.
5 water-carriers versus 5 artisans does not, a spectacle make.
I must take some responsibility for the pace of the game because I think I need to put more air in the ball. Oh, and The RaleighBoy suggested that the ball could do with a haircut too as it was starting to look like “Bob Marley with jaundice”.
Anyway, Player profiles…
Ran around looking for someone to injure with his titanium shoulders.
The bloke’s fucking evil.
Footage has emerged of his challenge on me from the week before.
Viewer discretion is advised…
**Jamie and his magic lung **
Had a good game, but didn’t trouble the scorers unduly.
Let in a power shot from Sue from distance before ungallantly claiming that he just didn’t have a clear view - thus robbing Sue of her moment in the sun.
Went on to turn an ankle AGAIN.
Later, in the bar, he announced a sponsorship deal with Kronenberg 1664. Although who is sponsoring whom is still unclear.
It is my sad duty to announce that RaleighBoy was diagnosed with RSI following the game last night.
Repetitive Shooting Injury is not a laughing matter and I’m sorry to say that he will be playing again next week - shooting every fucking time the ball comes anywhere near him.
Our thoughts and prayers are with his teammates in better positions at this difficult time. RIP.
He did score a wonder goal which prompted the crowd (what is a crowd with one spectator called - is it a crowd? Flyd, as your brother would you?) to shout in unison “I’ll give you that”. Then, Cantona-esque, The RaleighBoy jumped into the crowd high-fiving like a lunatic.
The Flyd Cat
Sporting the sort of footwear that only reveals its hidden ability in a power-cut, The Flyd Owl had a mixed game. Blowing like a prossie at Bristol docks after 50 minutes, it appears that the painting in the attic got the stamina whilst he got the youth. Mrs Flyd Cat confirms this suspicion. Nonetheless his persistence was rewarded with the opportunity to take a penalty against a female goalie.
Talk about sexual tension. Sue played a blinder - completely out-pysching him.
Sue took 2 minutes and 43 seconds to make sure that the goal was in the exact spot, leaving The Flyd Cat with nothing to do but study her shapely calfs.
It did the trick because we all watched in horror as The Flyd Cat got wood.
That’s right, he hit the post.
Scored a few last night too and then ran away celebrating. Notable for his absence at the bar after the game and for being late before the match. Club rules will see him fined 2 weeks wages for that.
His excuse was that he was stopped and anally searched* by the local cuntstabulary on his way to the match. He asked them if they’d stopped him because “I is black”. They let him go with a warning and told him to run along. An instruction he literally took literally.
* to clarify this confusing use of grammer - he was searched anally.
Goatster had a quiet game and spent most of it in goal. That’s “in goal” as in “reaching in the goal to get the ball back out”.
I think I might have out-psyched him when I handed him a bib and said, I need someone to balance the teams because the bibs’ team is looking too fit at the moment.
Also claimed to have turned his ankle again. As Old Blokes’ (and one Bird’s) Football DoF, all I’ll say is what would Jurgen Klopp say if Sturridge came up to him and said that he couldn’t play this week because he’d just run the London and Eastleigh marathons?
Kurzen prozess. That’s what he’d get.
What can I say?
I’m in love.
A bird what can play the beautiful game. I can see why Turkish is so conflicted over his feelings for sue. But she’s mine
But she’s mine Turdkiss (snigger). I’ll fight you for her - mano a mano, oiled up with loaded weapons. Name the venue, I’ll bring the lube and you can bring the kettlebells.
Scored 5 (five), saved a penalty and even when she hand-balled an under-head-height pass, she charmed her way out of the situation.
The only problem is that Fleming Park have contacted me to tell me that their insurance doesn’t cover her electic chair or zimmer frame. The chair is OK if she parks it off the pitch next time, but sue won’t be able to take the zimmer frame onto the pitch for the next game.
The chair is OK if she parks it off the pitch next time, but sue won’t be able to take the zimmer frame onto the pitch for the next game.
Bird of the match - Sue.
Save of the match - Sue versus Flyd Owl.
Shot of the match - Sue from distance past both Jamie and his magic lung.
Penalty save of the match against The Flyd Owl - Sue.
Tackle of the match - Sue - dispossessing The RaleighBoy up against the boards whilst he was doing an impression of the 70s’ children’s game - Buckaroo.