Who was the FFS for, the person ordering? Looks like they were trying it on as :-
She said she wasnât paying for it so manager took it away and said youâre not having it then
Yeah person ordering the food. Ridiculous if you donât want meat on your food you donât order a half meat pizza.
Iâm getting so good at this Tour Guide stuff, I now drive my clients to places even Google doesnât know about
It made us laugh - new bit of road opened on way to mountains today
This is a real life one, so bear with me.
Weâve just been out to get vital supplies. Part of this involved the procurement of alcohol.
I plump for Port, which is behind the till with all the other expensive stuff. Thereâs a bottle of Cockburns that is reduced from ÂŁ13 to about ÂŁ9.
Iâm with Young Adult #1 and the missus. They both insist that it is pronounced âCock-burnsâ, while I am relatively sure it is pronounced âCo-burnsâ. They do not believe me.
The missus orders, asking for that ânine pound bottle of portâ. I am dissatisfied by this sudden lack of clarity after a period of total certainty.
âSay it Ginge. Say the productâs name if youâre so sureâ, I say.
âRightâ, she says. âGive me a bottle of cock burnsâ.
âI genuinely think you mean Co-burns, I sayâ.
The girl at the till goes crimson. âActually, people do say Co-burnsâ.
Superb. Not only was the missus wrong. She said cock burns, quite loudly, a couple of times, in public. I kept bursting into involuntary peals of laughter on the way home.
yeah defo âco-burnsâ 
, if you want a bottle of âcock-burnsâ you need to be in the toiletries aisle getting some mint source shower gel.
Usually only an issue when going to the bathroom after cutting chillies
Deep Heat is a source of Cock-Burns as well
Tiger Balm is still the source of nightmares
Iâve told this story before on various Internet forums - probably on here. But I used to go to school with a lad called Alan Cockhead.
Great bloke, popular, great footballer, clever, could sing, play guitar, write songs, fashionable, was good looking. Top bloke.
But he had this curse of a fucking family name. I remember the sniggers in the 1st year of senior school when the register was taken.
It was pronounced Cock Head.
Poor bastard.
Then, 1st day back in the second year and the register is called and itâs âAlan Co Head?â To which Al says âhereâ. Weâre all looking around thinking what just happened. Obviously the family and the school thought they would follow the port producerâs lead and make the CK silent.
We werenât having any of it. If anything he got the piss taken out of him even more.
By the third year he was Alan Brown. Mumâs maiden name I guess.
One of the lad in my year was called âGayâ
Poor sod had to endure a fair bit of piss take
The immortal words of a prefect who was looking for him and said in complete innocence âWhoâs gay here?â
Anyway, on the day of his 18th birthday he became Gray
I remember playing footie out at Braishfield one Saturday afternoon. It was snowing and I was in the dressing room applying Deep Heat to my troublesome lower back pain. My mate saw it as a quick route to keeping his legs warm in the cold conditions and slathered it a little too liberally on his upper thighs.
He was last out on the pitch and greeted with much laughter his legs looking like a pink Flamingo. Boy did he run around that game.
You juvenile fucking twat.
Top marks 
A young lad asked the chemist for an extra large box of viagra. Chemist hands it over, and says âsurely you wonât need those at your age?â Boy swallows a handful of tablets, and explains that he has four Swedish exchange students staying in his flat for the weekend, all gorgeous girls and all up for it.
Monday morning, the chemist door opens and the lad staggers in barely able to walk. He unzips his fly and shows the chemist his cock, bruised to hell and back and rubbed red raw. âA tube of Deep Heat please,â he croaks.
âYou canât put Deep Heat on that!!â protests the chemist.
âItâs for my wrist,â says the lad. âThe girls didnât show up.â
