Fecking squatting toad…
I had one, the water pump on it was bust…
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The only issue I ever had with mine was the usual seventies starter motor, solved with a hammer or parking on a downward slope. When I finally persuaded a garage to actually replace it with a new one instead of their standard “I’ll strip it down, clean it and put it back together” schtick, it was right as ninepence.
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Cash Cows
Cash cows are mythical beasts that allow the same recycled meat — with a bit of extra sauce — to be repackaged and resold on an annual basis.
Examples
The Office (US)
Not only had much of the script already been written and proven to work, but progenitor Ricky Gervais even accused Steve Carell of abandoning a cash cow during a Golden Globes presentation.
Pokémon
Very little has changed in the Pokémon games over the last 30 years.
- Yes, they had to go colour because they were forced to.
- Yes, they had to go 3D because they were forced to.
But it’s still the same game. It survives because the players love Pikachu.
If he looked like Jabba the Hutt, Pokémon would be fucked.
How would he win his battles? By sticking his big tongue up Charmander’s arse?
Mary
A Freudian cow named Mary, who has the distinction of having a NatWest ATM embedded in her body.
She now dispenses milk and £10 notes with equal indifference.
Bollocks I get charged 3 quid if I use a Nat West cashpoint
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Well, use anudder one.
Castles
If I had my way, every building in the UK without listed status would be knocked down and replaced with a castle.
Here are my reasons:
-
The Americans would love it
York is one of the most popular tourist destinations for Americans precisely because most of it looks like a giant castle. This is despite the frequent bleakness of Yorkshire weather. -
It’s a chance to get rid of brutalism
Go to Bermondsey. Pinch yourself and imagine a giant portrait of Joe Stalin hanging off one of the buildings. It’s not a hard image to conjure. The place already looks like the Soviet Union in the 1980s. They’d be much happier with towers and a working portcullis. -
Protection from the sudden re-emergence of the Roman Ninth Legion
This may seem ridiculous, but they’re still unaccounted for, millennia later. We must remain vigilant. -
Catapulting things to the tip
Catapulting your rubbish to the tip is presently unfeasible for a number of reasons — the main one being that you might fire a volley of used Pampers through your neighbour’s skylight.
The clean arcs of a tower-based catapult will make bin men redundant.
A lot of this — especially point 4 — will obviously go over people’s heads.
Having watched the Philadelphia Experiment, I agree.
Incidentally, if the makers of the original film slipped through time before filming it and saw the remake before returning, would that affect the space-time continuum?
Think that’s episode 3 of Strange New Worlds mate
Haven’t seen it, I’ll get round to it last week.
Catholicism
The Roman Catholic Church is not an institution you could ever accuse of being a weather vane. Until the 1960s, nearly every mass delivered worldwide was spoken in Latin — a language long fallen out of common use, kept alive mostly for legal and religious purposes.
To this day, the Church openly believes in the primacy of men. The Pope must have a penis. It can be no other way.
This has led to blowback, as the Church unwittingly became a haven for sex pests seeking to hide in plain sight with a bit of legitimacy.
The chaste nature of the priesthood raises two fair questions:
- How does being chaste help you understand the lives of people who have sex — and consequent babies?
- And… are you really chaste at all, bruv?
One reason the Roman Catholic Church has endured is because it does pomp and ceremony better than anyone.
Think the Changing of the Guard is impressive? Watch a Pope banging it out in the Vatican — and then again in Manila, Rio, or Kinshasa.
If religion is the empire of the mind, then Catholicism has done better than most. Sure, they lost a battle to Henry VIII’s libido and lost the barbarians to Martin Luther, but they still dominate South America, Southern Europe, and Ireland.
Most of these places now practise a kind of à la carte Catholicism — performing some of the rituals, ignoring much of the doctrine, and trying to square faith with modern life.
And why not?
A male-dominated church telling women what to do with their bodies?
A brand that sells fire and brimstone harder than anyone else?
An institution with a worrying number of serial nonces — many of them protected by the institution itself?
None of this is great.
But people still believe. And sometimes, you get a good Pope — someone who can cut through the pageantry, cross borders, and speak uncomfortable truths to power.
You could argue that’s little comfort after centuries of pogroms, wars, and proscriptions. Some of the most serious charges are not ancient history — they belong to people still operating within the Church today.
But I’ll end with this:
I’d rather have a good Pope and à la carte Catholics than not have them.
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Is that legal in polite society?
Reaching my age, I realised why living in a Catholic Country is a not bad thing.
For example, I remember the Church where my maternal Great Grand Parents rest, but nobody will have been to visit them for 10 years.
Someone gets to my parents/sister once a year.
Here, i know someone will come, they all do. Kids, cousins, god children, great god children all come, and twice a year the cemetaries are fields of dreams
It is a redeeming aspect of the religion
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Is the Universe Random?
Nope, otherwise how would a post like this have been on Twiter yesterday?
https://x.com/Christo03770888/status/1946841260108767327?t=aXARRQ3XbUrNi84GQwSiZg&s=19
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That’s the colour I remember them not Ferrari red like you had.
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The 2 door may not hae leaked as much either
Aye - shit in the pants brown - Trying to match the colour of those part-knitted ‘driving gloves’
Think its an Austin Allegro… but not a Vanden plas which was the ugliest cunt of a car… the only thing worse than how it looked was how it drove. Cars that killed the British car industry by being 15 years out of date at launch… now I am a socialista… but the unions had a lot to answer for - not in demanding better wages, but striking because of any new production method… that would have kept the industry competitive…
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Cats
“People say dogs are loyal, but a cat will never tell the police where your drugs are.”
— Internet meme
The main source of inspiration for getting a cat was, ironically enough, mice.
We’d just moved into a new home where the skirting boards were ever so slightly too far off the floor — and as such, we had mice.
We quickly grew tired and depressed from the human vs. mouse battle.
They had the numbers, and our means of controlling them were frankly barbaric.
So…
Get a cat.
No more half-dead mice on so-called humane sticky traps.
No more tiny grey blurs scurrying across the floor.
No more guilt.
Nature, innit.
So we got a cat. The mice quickly evacuated.
Then came the knock on the door from our neighbour, asking if we’d recently noticed a mouse problem.
“Not anymore,” we thought.
Beyond their usefulness as pest control operatives, cats are fantastic and almost indecipherable animals.
You can pick up certain traits, sure — some cats are the archetypal fraidy cats.
Others? Genuinely not that arsed about water.
I will destroy one canard right now:
“Fighting like cat and dog” is bollocks.
They get on eventually.
Cat vs. cat, on the other hand, is eternal — even if you think they’ve been getting on recently.
Here’s the thing: cats didn’t really get domesticated.
They domesticated themselves.
They saw warm houses and mouse problems and thought: “That’ll do.”
They moved in, and we’ve been pretending they’re our pets ever since.
I had never needed the phrase “ball of cats” until two of them ended up owning me.
And I know the only reason my cats haven’t eaten me is because they can’t.
Why?
- I’m a lot bigger than them.
- They’d have no human bitch to feed them if they did.
The day they mutate into giants and discover Uber Eats, I’m a dead man.
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Cats choose you is so acccurate. Exx Mrs P_F started it off with a White Kitten she caled Tina some 35 years ago, then followed Ollie& Robbie, Hoppie & Kipper then Tiger.
Hoppie had 3 legs her sister Kipper always at her sde, street ccats - would never come in doors distant emotionally but they showed their love for each other, was first time I felt sad when we lost Hoppie, Kipper soldiered on a few months but died of a broken heart (liver ccomplaint) but the same.
Tiger moved in was a character the site of her in her basket on a G=Fork Lift going WeeeeeHeeee around Warsaw customs was a sight. She flew 8 hours then drive 4 hours to reachhome. A beautiful ccoloured cat wonderful personality who came for a proper hug each day. She saved us through covid before she broke me by laying down one day in the garden and not getting up. Said I ccoudn’t get that involved again.
Until 353 days ago.
Thugs threw a bad out of a car, a passer by heard it. It contaimed a dark Tortoiseshell and a greywhite tabby kitten,
1st time I had driven a car since my knee surgery we went to the village vet. As we could see, the white tabby was broken and was put to sleep. Doc said sister needed 200 quid of treatment and antibiotics probablywouldn’t make it because of a stomach infection. In the end he returned her to us with some stomach tablets, a needle-less syringe and some at Isotonicc saying maybe love ccouldsavve here
Hope
She will not go outside without a human walking her on a leash. She is too scared. When relaxxed she will hide under a huge Xmas Tree and will fantasise about chasing the new stocckof laying cchiccks who roam the garden and ignore her. She will eventually get the nerve to chase bugs but ony if you are there, she tried to climb a tree.
Everythingin and out MUST be in it’s placce, she pacces the walls and checks EVERYTHING fuel can is filled -she has to cccheck and approve it. The Big (laying) chickensc comet o talk to her, she slumps to the ground and tries tohide
No leash? When the door is unguarded she will run to it and sit on the step
Her age birthday was about 6 weeks ago, 2 more days to her 1st anniversary, A true Woman - she acctually argues with me
Mewp - No it is late you are not going outside. MEWP MEWP no Mewoo - she will go on for at least 5 minutes
Mrs P_F says we argue likeshe was a teenage daughter
Tiger - RIP
Perhaps with my knee recovery, the Big Man upstairs knew what to deliver
Cheese
Cowbrick
A dairy product that makes no sense once you’ve learned how it’s actually made — prompting the deeper question: who was the first cheese maker?
How did they get the idea? What kind of mind sees curdled milk and thinks, “Yes, that’s dinner”? More pressingly, how did they convince anyone else to join in?
There probably isn’t a single point of origin. Cheese seems more like an innate human compulsion — something we were destined to invent whether we wanted to or not.
Computer Games
To cheese is to exploit a known weakness in a video game or the era’s computing culture.
Mortal Kombat II is a textbook example. The sweep kick was absurdly effective, especially against players more used to Street Fighter-style blocking. This is largely why the “Friendship” finisher exists — a pacifist peace offering after a bout filled with unsportsmanlike tactics and screams of:
“You cheesy bastard!”
Related to Smell
If someone refers to part of your body as cheesy, do not attempt to smear it with pickle.
Get in the bath, you dirty bastard.