If you are proper midlife you won’t be able to get in and out of a Lotus.
There’s nothing quite as funny as seeing a tubby old git struggling in and out of a low car that they’d have loved thirty years earlier.
If that’s you, perhaps one day they’ll make a special Ford GT70.
(complex technical niche joke there for car experts)
I think I’m a singer in a covers band.
They did not tell me to fuck off, and to my great surprise, I can belt out Dakota.
You need styling now - if you need expert advice on your wardrobe speak to Bletch.
He’s got a mate at IKEA.
And if you need advice on how to reach the high notes, speak to The RaleighBoy.
He’s got bolt cutters.
It was an honestly fucking awesome night. I found, very quickly, that I could not sing certain songs that I thought I could.
I can sing songs I never thought I could. Band were totally supportive - I told them that I was a fucking amateur, but they gave me the confidence to try for things I would not have done otherwise.
Fuck me, Sex on Fire is as hard as it sounds, but I can do it, just about*.
*probably best as a closer. It fucked my voice.
I am not turning up to my first practice dressed as a jam-laden meatball.
That is what I did tonight, in the audition.
Fuck me, RB, have you never seen the boot camp stage of X Factor?
You need Management @pap
Let’s have an election for a management board, y’know like the Sotonians Soviet. Then we can guide and nurture your fledgling career…
btw, what was the result of the Soviet election?
Oo he’s like a mini Robert Plant.
Bobby Shrub?
YouTube video please…or it didn’t happen. 
I hope you’re edgy and will insist on only playing gigs to audiences with pre-arranged percentages of under 25s.
Pap should pick a stage name that is an anagram of the name of a great rock singer.
How about Oral Sex, @pap ?
Ladies and gentleman, for one night only, I give you Oral Sex.
He did sex on fire and then his throat hurt?..It’s starting to make sense now.
Boj used to be in a band. The similarities continue to raise suspicion.
We are not the same person.
Meanwhile, about to ruin a campsite or wedding in the North West
If you are doing personal requests, could I just ask that you don’t murder Highway to Hell, The Passenger or One?
“We are a mature covers band …”
Can you clarify what you mean by mature
Pap?
Old, grown up, ripe…all three, or all three and something else?
“Perfect band for any occasion”
What if the occasion is “A celebration of another Tory win and the Brexit u-turn”?
The setlist was speedily reorganised around my capability last night. I’m going to be practising for seven weeks, have diligently ordered some basic equipment and am researching monitor amps.
If I can’t do them, I won’t do them.
We do Rage Against the Machine’s first album in its entirety.
I know the words.
You may wish to bear in mind that I do have knowledge in this field…