Why did the pervert cross the road?
He couldnât get his dick out of the chicken.
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Good grief
Lol
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the pervertâŚ
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
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I can feel a bad spell of whether coming on.
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Joke of the year, so far.
Give this man a badge @saintbletch - only if he owns up to the source though
A Japanese man told me that in the pub tonight.
Or was that just my imagine Asian?
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My favourite star sign for a girl is Libra, the scales.
Partly because I like them slim, but mainly because they want tipping afterwards.
Iâve worked out why I always cry after sex.
Thatâs the same knife I use for peeling onions.
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A duck was attempting to cross a busy road, stepping off the kerb then stepping back as another car rushed past. A chicken walked up to him and said,âDonât do it mate, youâll never fucking hear the end of itâ.
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On a quiet afternoon aboard the Millennium FalconâŚ
Chewy: Arrghrghgwarrarrar!
Luke: Whatâs wrong with him?
Han: Heâs got biscuit crumbs stuck in his fur again.
Leia: Does he have to make such a racket?!
Han: Thatâs just the way the Wookie grumbles.
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Iâve posted this one before but Iâm very proud of it hence itâs recurrence.
Three pieces of string go into a pub. Two of them find themselves a table, while the third goes up to the bar.
âThree pints of bitter, please mateâ, he says. The landlord gives him the briefest of glances and says: âFuck off. We donât serve pieces of string in here.â
The piece of string heads sadly back to join his mates. When he tells them whatâs happened, one of the other two decides to try a little subterfuge. He dons a trilby and a false moustache, then walks over to the bar.
âThree pints of your finest bitter, please old chap!â he says. The landlord reaches for a glass, then looks more closely at his customer. âHang onâ he says, âYouâre a another piece of fucking string, arenât you?â âNo, no, nothing of the sort.â responds the piece of string, but the landlord swiftly knocks off his trilby and snatches off his false moustache. âHa! I fucking knew it! Iâve already told your mate - we donât serve pieces of string in here. Now fuck off and donât come back!â
Dismayed and disheartened, the piece of strings goes back to the table. This time his other mate decides to have a go.
âYou two are fucking hopelessâ he says. âNow just watch and learn.â He ties himself up in the middle, ruffles up his top and bottom, and sashays over to the bar.
âThree pints of bitter please mate - and have one for yourself.â he says. The landlord looks him up and down, uncertainly. âHold on a minute,â he says âAre you a piece of string?â
âNo,â comes the reply. âIâm a frayed knot!â
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Three vampires go into a pub. Two of them find themselves a table, while the third goes up to the bar.
âThree pints of blood, please mateâ, he says. The landlord gives him the briefest of glances and says: âFuck off. We donât serve blood in here.â
The vampire heads sadly back to join his mates. When he tells them whatâs happened, one of the other two decides to try himself.
âThree pints of your finest blood and three black pudding sandwiches please old chap!â he says. The landlord reaches for a glass, then looks more closely at his customer. âHang onâ he says, âIâve already told your mate - we donât serve blood in here. Now fuck off and donât come back!â
Dismayed and disheartened, the vampire goes back to the table. This time his other mate decides to have a go.
âYou two are fucking hopelessâ he says. âNow just watch and learn.â!
He goes to the bar, beckons the landlord and says âThree pints of blood please mate - and have one for yourself.â The landlord looks him up and down. âLook Iâve already told your mates we donât serve blood in here now fuck offâ
âSorry old beanâ says the vampire âdidnât mean to offend, can I have a pot of hot water and three cups instead pleaseâ
âNo problemâ says the landlord Iâll bring it over
The vampire goes back to sit with his mates and the landlord brings the hot water over. The vampire pours the water into the 3 cups.
âHold on a minuteâ says one of the other two âWeâre vampires, we drink blood not hot water!â
The third vampire smiles and brings out a used tampax âHave you two never heard of tea bags??â
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A mate of mine always cries after sex. Mind you, he is doing 5 years in Wormwood Scrubs.
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I noticed my wife reading an article in Cosmopolitan titled âIs your man useless in bed?â
âHey!!â I protested. âWhy the hell are you looking at that?â
âItâs just something to read while Iâm bored,â she explained.
âFair enoughâ I said, and carried on thrusting.
I went to the doctor to see about getting Viagra.
He asked âDo you want to get it over the counter?â
âHow many do I have to take for that?â
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Iâm tired of chip shops with idiotic names like âThe Codfatherâ and âDaves Plaiceâ.
I mean, for fucks hake.
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