I sidled up to an ugly little guy in the pub who seemed to be having to fight off the women, they were all over him like a rash and practically throwing themselves at him.
“Excuse me mate,” I said, “what’s your secret? Why are all the birds after you?”
“I’ve no idea,” he frowned, thoughtfully licking his eyebrows.
The day Pearl Harbour was attacked during WW2 was reported as being extremely cold!!!, apparently there was a nasty nip in the air
Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
I for one,
Like Roman numerals.
People think just because I’m fucking an older woman I must be after her money.
But I know for a fact my Gran hasn’t got any savings.
I was waiting by the desk in a dingy gym when this huge bodybuilder sidled up to me.
“Are you the guy with the 'roids?” he whispered furtively.
I said “No, I just didn’t feel like sitting down.”
All kinds of wrong there, skip.
Hence the upvote 
I’ve just read that the wife of the Amazon boss, Jeff Bezos, is leaving him.
With a neighbour?
Prince Philip has crashed his Range Rover.
I’m sure that just like for everyone else, the police will have checked his insurance and breathalysed him.
A huge fatberg is clogging London’s sewers.
In other news, my wife’s been missing since Christmas Eve.
I tried on the wife’s beachwear while she was out shopping.
It felt so right but it seemed sarong.
Think you need to step things up guys, I’ve not been offended once yet
Just heard that Windsor Davies has died. I thought “no way did he look 88 years old.”
Then I thought “actually, these dwarves always look younger than they are.”
While I was on this plane I wandered into the cockpit and this bloke was sat at the controls drinking hot chocolate, I said “who are you?”. He said “I’m the coco pilot!”
Emiliano Sala was the perfect fit for Cardiff.
They’re both going down.
Too early
Fuck off, it’s never too early 
I got the wife a three piece swimsuit.
Top and bottom for her, and a blindfold for me.
…while I’m at it…
Has anyone considered the possibility that Sala stopped off in the Channel Islands so Cardiff can avoid paying the VAT?
Neil Warnock on Emiliano Sala…
“When I told him to play deep, I didn’t mean it quite so literally.”
