Google joke of the day :-
Why do ghosts hate rain?
Because it dampens their spirits!!
I hate most things about Switzerland, but their flag’s a big plus.
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The first rule of Innuendo Club is “always enter by the back door.”
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When I saw that Grenfell bonfire video I was appalled.
I thought “they’ve never been great, but this has to be the worst Crimewatch reconstruction ever.”
People always say that centre halves need to be tall, calm, and confident in the air.
But I’m not one for sweeping generalisations.
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So, one in four British women have mental health issues. I’m genuinely shocked.
I mean, only one in four?
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Mark Hughes’s Southampton managerial career.
Two lady golfers in the car park putting their clubs away: Mary’s a low handicapper, good golfer but a bit snobby like; Sandra’s a high handicapper, pretty ordinary golfer and rather common y’know.
Mary’s boasting about her success on the course.
Mary: So I won the monthly medal in June and my husband bought me this lovely bracelet [holds it up] - do you like it?
Sandra: Oh… that’s nice.
M: And the Lady Captain’s Spring Cup; I won that by just 1 shot, you know, and my husband bought me these beautiful earrings [turns head] - do you like them?
S: Umm, that’s nice.
M: And of course you’ll know I won the Ladies Club Championship last week. My husband bought me this rather expensive necklace [reveals] - what do you think?
S: Yeah, that’s nice.
M: So… Have you, er, played well recently?
S: Well actually I came second in the High Handicap Stableford a couple of months ago.
M: And… did your husband get you anything for that?
S: Yeah, he bought me elocution lessons.
M: Elocution lessons?!
S: Yeah, I used to say “Fuck off” but now I say “That’s nice.”
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Junior Redneck walks into his parents’ bedroom to see them humping away.
“Maw? Paw? Watchy’all up to there? Paw?”
Paw quickly jumps off and says, " Well Joonyer, Ah s’pose you gotta learn to be a man o’ the world an’all. That’s whatcha call ‘sex’."
“Sex??” exclaims Junior.
“Yup, Sex. Now let me show ya. Maw! Git yer ass on that bed and git to spreadin’ them legs! Now, Joonyer, you see that hole on Maw? You just watch yer old Paw go!”
And Paw jumps on Maw and starts pumping away manically.
Li’l Sally then walks in, rather startled.
“Junior, oh Junior, what’s going’ on here?”
Junior, being a man of the world now, explains knowledgeably, “Well, Sally, that’s whatcha call ‘sex’.”
“Sex?” inquires our Sally.
“Yup. Now let me show ya. You see that hole on Paw - you just watch old Junior…!”
“Ever Fallen Down Clutching your Chest?”
edit, this gag has hit third highest of the day on sicki. With 7 points. 
that site is dying.
And on Sotonians zilch…
No sensayuma. 
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I need it explained to me 
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Read the last one phonetically? As before joke on the clutching chest, I have no idea…
Blimey lads, do I have to?? “No sensayuma” is a way of writing “no sense of humour”, either as a friendly dig at how cockernees say it or, more commonly, how our coloured brethren do (see Fleming’s Live and let die for an example.)
The chest gag refers to the demise from a heart attack of the Buzzcocks Pete Shelley, whose best known hit was Ever Fallen in Love with Someone.
I got the sensayuma bit but not the joke. Explain it to me one more time 
That’s a shame, I quite like Japanese whiskey
Just seen that clip with the dog saving a goal.
They should have taken the lead.
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