😆 Joke thread; may cause offence (with a bit of luck) 🤮 😠

:laughing: Joke thread; may cause offence (with a bit of luck) :face_vomiting: :angry:
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#21

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken.


#22

Good grief

:lou_facepalm_2:

Lol


#23

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the pervert…


#24

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.


#25

I can feel a bad spell of whether coming on.


#26

Joke of the year, so far.

Give this man a badge @saintbletch - only if he owns up to the source though

:lou_lol:


#27

A Japanese man told me that in the pub tonight.

Or was that just my imagine Asian?


#28

My favourite star sign for a girl is Libra, the scales.

Partly because I like them slim, but mainly because they want tipping afterwards.


#29

I’ve worked out why I always cry after sex.

That’s the same knife I use for peeling onions.


#30

A duck was attempting to cross a busy road, stepping off the kerb then stepping back as another car rushed past. A chicken walked up to him and said,“Don’t do it mate, you’ll never fucking hear the end of it”.


#31

On a quiet afternoon aboard the Millennium Falcon…

Chewy: Arrghrghgwarrarrar!

Luke: What’s wrong with him?

Han: He’s got biscuit crumbs stuck in his fur again.

Leia: Does he have to make such a racket?!

Han: That’s just the way the Wookie grumbles.


#32

I’ve posted this one before but I’m very proud of it hence it’s recurrence.


#33

Three pieces of string go into a pub. Two of them find themselves a table, while the third goes up to the bar.

“Three pints of bitter, please mate”, he says. The landlord gives him the briefest of glances and says: “Fuck off. We don’t serve pieces of string in here.”

The piece of string heads sadly back to join his mates. When he tells them what’s happened, one of the other two decides to try a little subterfuge. He dons a trilby and a false moustache, then walks over to the bar.

“Three pints of your finest bitter, please old chap!” he says. The landlord reaches for a glass, then looks more closely at his customer. “Hang on” he says, “You’re a another piece of fucking string, aren’t you?” “No, no, nothing of the sort.” responds the piece of string, but the landlord swiftly knocks off his trilby and snatches off his false moustache. “Ha! I fucking knew it! I’ve already told your mate - we don’t serve pieces of string in here. Now fuck off and don’t come back!”

Dismayed and disheartened, the piece of strings goes back to the table. This time his other mate decides to have a go.

“You two are fucking hopeless” he says. “Now just watch and learn.” He ties himself up in the middle, ruffles up his top and bottom, and sashays over to the bar.

“Three pints of bitter please mate - and have one for yourself.” he says. The landlord looks him up and down, uncertainly. “Hold on a minute,” he says “Are you a piece of string?”

“No,” comes the reply. “I’m a frayed knot!”


#34

Three vampires go into a pub. Two of them find themselves a table, while the third goes up to the bar.

“Three pints of blood, please mate”, he says. The landlord gives him the briefest of glances and says: “Fuck off. We don’t serve blood in here.”

The vampire heads sadly back to join his mates. When he tells them what’s happened, one of the other two decides to try himself.

“Three pints of your finest blood and three black pudding sandwiches please old chap!” he says. The landlord reaches for a glass, then looks more closely at his customer. “Hang on” he says, “I’ve already told your mate - we don’t serve blood in here. Now fuck off and don’t come back!”

Dismayed and disheartened, the vampire goes back to the table. This time his other mate decides to have a go.

“You two are fucking hopeless” he says. “Now just watch and learn.”!

He goes to the bar, beckons the landlord and says “Three pints of blood please mate - and have one for yourself.” The landlord looks him up and down. “Look I’ve already told your mates we don’t serve blood in here now fuck off”
“Sorry old bean” says the vampire “didn’t mean to offend, can I have a pot of hot water and three cups instead please”
“No problem” says the landlord I’ll bring it over

The vampire goes back to sit with his mates and the landlord brings the hot water over. The vampire pours the water into the 3 cups.

“Hold on a minute” says one of the other two “We’re vampires, we drink blood not hot water!”

The third vampire smiles and brings out a used tampax “Have you two never heard of tea bags??”


#35

:face_vomiting:


#36

A mate of mine always cries after sex. Mind you, he is doing 5 years in Wormwood Scrubs.


#37

I noticed my wife reading an article in Cosmopolitan titled “Is your man useless in bed?”

“Hey!!” I protested. “Why the hell are you looking at that?”

“It’s just something to read while I’m bored,” she explained.

“Fair enough” I said, and carried on thrusting.


#38

I went to the doctor to see about getting Viagra.

He asked “Do you want to get it over the counter?”

“How many do I have to take for that?”


#39

I’m tired of chip shops with idiotic names like “The Codfather” and “Daves Plaice”.

I mean, for fucks hake.


#40