12 people waiting to see the doctor. His receptionist announces that “Due to a change in privacy laws, we can no longer call people to see the doctor by calling their name.”
“So, can the person with syphilis please go in next?”
4 Likes
I’m into online child porn, but never get caught. I use a hi-tech vpn that bounces my connection around the globe and hides my identity.
I’m a Tor paedo.
Little bo peep took her car to the garage, saying smoke keeps coming out of my bonnet. The mechanic said, it will do, your hairs on fire
1 Like
Can’t believe I got the Valentines cards mixed up.
Now my girlfriend thinks I love her and my wife thinks I want to fuck her.
7 Likes
My father’s eyes filled with tears as he held my newborn son for the first time.
“He reminds me so much of you,” I told him.
“Is it the eyes?” he smiled.
I said “no, it’s because he shits himself every 15 minutes.”
2 Likes
I’ve just heard a Woodpecker call me a “Paranoid Twat” in morse code.
6 Likes
I have a sausage addiction.
And it’s getting wurst.
2 Likes
Thought it best go here than on the humour-lite thread
5 Likes
I used to love that old Queen song about necrophilia.
Then I found out that “Some Body To Love” was only three words.
1 Like
When someone is giving you the shits:
“There’s a que for that you can join”
“The far que”
1 Like
An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”
“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”
“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.
They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.
Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”
The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you… today you’re staff”
3 Likes
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. “Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
“Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson.
“Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”
“Very good, Sam. Thank you.”
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.
4 Likes
“Fancy a glass of mulled Rioja?” asked my mate.
I said “wine hot.”
That is so bad I’ve nicked it.
Wish my Polish was that good tbh
2 Likes
What do Heather Mills and PSG have in common?
The second leg is just for show.
1 Like
Shortly after his divorce from Heather Mills, Sir Paul McCartney was interviewed by a lifestyle magazine.
Interviewer: “So, Sir Paul, could you ever see yourself going down on one knee again?”
Sir Paul: “Look, I know we’ve just divorced and everything, but I think that’s a bit disrespectful. Can’t you just refer to her as Heather?”
7 Likes