We have been 5 years running so it’s been a good run so far and we may be lucky in April. But this year we both talked about maybe not going and using the leave for something else. I am just about to lose 3 days leave moving jobs so I want to keep as much as possible to relax (and frankly Glastonbury isn’t relaxing). This year’s line up and mud combo dampened my love for the place a bit too much. So not as gutted as I would have been other years (well until my ideal lineup is announced next year).
I remember having the “can we all be arsed again” question at Glastonbury as we were leaving. Ended up going for it because Juvenile Unit #1 should be graduating this year, the fallow year takes place in 2018 so this was the last opportunity for a while for us all to go. Seems like good timing.
I am hoping that third time is going to be the charm when it comes to weather. I’ve fucking earned it (although not to the extent that intiniki and fella have).
This year’s line up and mud combo dampened my love for the place a bit too much. So not as gutted as I would have been other years (well until my ideal lineup is announced next year).
So you’re picking the bands next year I n T ini K i ? Excellent news … seeing Radiohead live is top of my bucket list if it can be arranged.
… oh and I’ll be needing a ticket of course
EDIT … just got it … next years a fallow year … silly me, don’t bother about RH then.
You enjoy it for us Pap - regular updates while you’re there please
I’ll just sit at home watching it on the Beeb in the comfort of my own home / arm chair,/ decent toilets / takeaway delivery - it’ll be tough but I’m sure I’ll pull through…
My Pilton based mate is in town, been sorting out the really important plans - how many cases of 6 X what breed of Pig do we wnat the hand cut Bacon to come from, ordering the 3.99 disposable camper chairs from Tesco on line so we don’t have to carry them home to his gaff at night.
BUT away from all that did my first look at the latest line up plans
I admit I may have underestimated just how many people world wide now want to see Ed Sheeran and I admit he IS the hottest conert ticket around at the moment and so yeah OK.
BUT tucked away on the Sunday afternoon, for those of us of a certain Age will be the best gig of the lot - Chic with Nile Rodgers.
He blew Glasto away 3 or so years ago now and we were lucky enough to see them one NYE - absolutely smashed it out the park - so many songs for so many artists in so many genres, tbh I am more pumped to see them again than anyone else. Just hope to God they don’t clash with Rag & Bone Man
Pyramid Stage
11.30am-12 noon: Junun
12.25-1.15pm: Kate Tempest
1.45-2.45pm: Kris Kristofferson
3.15-4.15pm: Clean Bandit
4.45-5.45pm: Craig David
6.30-7.30pm: The Maccabees
7.55-9.15pm: Elbow
10-11.45pm: Radiohead
Other Stage
12.15-1.20pm: Feeder
1.50-2.45pm: The Coral
3.10-4pm: Cage The Elephant
4.25-5.20pm: Circa Waves
5.50-6.50pm: Liam Gallagher
7.15-8.15pm: Courteeners
8.45-9.45pm: Royal Blood
10.30-11.45pm: Chase and Status
West Holts Stage
12.50-1.50pm: Wyld Stallyns
2.30-3.30pm: Seu Jorge
4-5pm: Samm Henshaw
5.30-6.30pm: Gallant
7-8pm: Anderson .Paak & The Free Nationals
8.30-9.30pm: Blood Orange
10.15-11.45pm: Jamiroquai
John Peel Stage
11-11.40am: Cigarettes After Sex
Noon-12.40pm: Vant
1-1.40pm: Hooton Tennis Club
2.10-3pm: Fat White Family
3.30-4.20pm: DIIV
4.50-5.40pm: James Vincent McMorrow
6.10-7pm: Danny Brown
7.30-8.30pm: Everything Everything
9-10pm: The Hives
10.30-11.45pm: Run the Jewels
Park Stage
11.30am-12.15pm: The Parrots
12.45-1.30pm: The Lemon Twigs
2-3pm: Margo Price
3.30-4.30pm: Shura
5-6pm: Poliça
6.30-7.30pm: Anohni
8-9pm: Mark Lanegan
9.30-10.30pm: Regina Spektor
11pm-12.15am: Orbital
SATURDAY JUNE 24
Pyramid Stage
11-11.45am: Omar Souleyman
12.05-12.50pm: Twin Atlantic
1.15-2.05pm: Laura Marling
2.30-3.30pm: Blossoms
4-5pm: HAIM
5.35-6.45pm: Van Morrison
7.20-8.35pm: Kaiser Chiefs
9.15-11.45pm: Foo Fighters
Other Stage
11.30am-noon: Metric
12.30-1.10pm: Sundara Karma
1.30-2.30pm: Rag’N’Bone Man
3-4pm: The Kills
4.30-5.30pm: Slaves
6-7pm: Metronomy
7.30-8.30pm: Stormzy
9-10pm: Boy Better Know
10.30-11.45pm: Alt-J
West Holts Stage
1-2pm: United Vibrations
2.30-3.30pm: Canalon de Timbiqui
4-5pm: Afriqoui
5.30-6.30pm: Toots and the Maytals
7-8pm: The Avalanches
8.30-9.30pm: Solange
10.15-11.45pm: The Jacksons
John Peel Stage
11-11.30am: Clean Cut Kid
11.50am-12.20pm: Cabbage
12.45-1.25pm: The Wytches
1.50-2.40pm: Spring King
3.10-4.10pm: Tom Chaplin
4.40-5.30pm: The Temper Trap
5.50-6.40pm: Crystal Fighters
7.10-8.10pm: White Lies
8.30-9.45pm: Crystal Castles
10.15-11.45pm: Bonobo
Park Stage
Noon-12.40pm: The Big Moon
1-1.45pm: Whitney
2.10-3pm: Temples
3.30-4.30pm: Preoccupations
5-6pm: Mitski
6.30-7.30pm: Spoon
8-9pm: Local Natives
9.30-10.30pm: Teenage Fanclub
11pm-12.15am: The Jesus and Mary Chain
SUNDAY JUNE 25
Pyramid Stage
11-11.45am: Black Dyke Band
12.15-1pm: Seasick Steve
1.30-2.15pm: Father John Misty 2.45-3.35pm: Barry Gibb 4.20-5.30pm: Diana Ross
6-7pm: Lorde
7.45-9pm: The XX
9.45-11.15pm: Ed Sheeran
Other Stage
11-11.40am: Foy Vance
12.10-1pm: British Sea Power
1.30-2.10pm: Rat Boy
2.40-3.30pm: Grizzly Bear
4-4.50pm:The Shins
5.20-6.20pm: You Me At Six
6.50-7.50pm: London Grammar
8.30-9.30pm: Imagine Dragons
10-11.15pm: Justice
West Holts Stage
12.30-1.30pm: Golden Rules
2-3pm: Rationale
3.30-4.30pm: BadBadNotGood
5-6pm: Netsky
6.30-7.30pm: Empire of the Sun
8-9pm: Royksöpp
9.45-11.15pm: Kraftwerk
John Peel Stage
11-11.30am: Emerging Talent Winner (name TBC)
11.50am-12.30pm: TOY
1-2pm: Thee Oh Sees
2.30-3.30pm: King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizzard
4-5pm: Parquet Courts
5.30-6.30pm: Wiley
7-8pm: Glass Animals
8.30-9.30pm: Warpaint
10-11.15pm: The Flaming Lips
Park Stage
Noon-12.40pm: Sunflower Bean
1-1.45pm: Honeyblood
2.10-2.55pm: Agnes Obel
3.15-4pm: Angel Olsen
4.30-5.30pm: Sleaford Mods
6-7pm: Real Estate
7.30-8.30pm: Of Montreal
9-10.15pm: Fleet Foxes
Proof is the number of inaccuracies in the story - Sir Paul McArtney played Glasto 2017? Campfires? SRSLY??
Don't feel ashamed about avoiding festivals this summer – no one has actually ever had fun at one
Women over 20: step away, I beseech you, from fringed suede minis, Daisy Duke hotpants and leather bralets. A menopausal boob does not suit a non-underwired strip of fabric. And men and women alike: do not be tempted by a 'fun' bumbag to carry your cash in – it will look like a badly concealed colostomy bag
Is this what you really want? Be wise and stay at home Getty
There are some things I am ashamed to admit. I have never eaten a Scotch egg. I have dark fantasies about Phil from EastEnders. I like to sing “Summer of 69” on my oldest child’s karaoke set when everyone’s out the house. But there is one admission even more shameful than these – I have never been to a music festival.
Swipe through Facebook anytime in July or August and you will be besieged with posts and pics of people apparently having the time of their lives at a festival. Be it Glastonbury, Bestival, Latitude or the Isle of Wight, these shiny happy people exclaim “Whoa the Glasto sunset” or “Having time of my life at the Pyramid Stage” or “Selfie of me at the long-drop toilet!” with alarming frequency.
Friends post beaming images of themselves and their kids rocking out to Ed Sheeran, toddlers raised high above their heads kitted out in multi-coloured ear-defenders. “Come!” they tell me. “Bring the kids – it’s so family friendly! You’ll love it! What? You’ve _never _been to a festival? But how can you bear it?!”
Nevertheless, I am unmoved by the blissful boho pictures and scenes of bucolic joy. I conveniently miss the deadline to apply for Glastonbury tickets, and I cite vague and complicated reasons why I’m unavailable for any other festival this summer.
Because I know the real truth about music festivals. And here’s why I’ll never be signing up…
Festival fashion
I do not suit a fringed waistcoat. It does not make me look like a carefree wood sprite; it makes me look like a geriatric cowgirl.
Women over 20: step away, I beseech you, from fringed suede minis, Daisy Duke hotpants and leather bralets. A menopausal boob does not suit a non-underwired strip of fabric. A generous calf does not suit a Hunter welly.
Do not put glitter on your face – it will sink into your wrinkles and settle glumly on your jowls. There is no such thing as “boho chic” for you anymore. There is only M&S chic, with a flutter at Wallis for the more adventurous.
Men, too, should take note. Festival accessories are not for you. A balding dad in a wizard’s hat would make a troubling encounter on any high street in broad daylight, let alone in a field at midnight.
And men and women alike: do not be tempted by a “fun” bumbag to carry your cash in – it will look like a badly concealed colostomy bag.
The tent
To do a festival “properly”, you need a tent. You need to go to what is known as an “outdoors shop” and purchase said tent. And you will spend the same amount of money you could have spent on several nights at a boutique hotel.
While in this shop, you will be persuaded to purchase other horrifying essentials such as waterproof shoes, a_ parka-in-a-pack _and – horror of horrors – a fleece.
Your husband tells you that the tent will come in handy “for future camping holidays.” You decide there and then on a complete embargo on any canvas-based sexual activity.
On arrival at the festival, your husband will be unable to put up the tent, despite its “three easy guide poles.” He will stamp on his wizard’s hat in frustration. You will have to look after the children alone as he spends all afternoon putting up the tent. They will demand to go to the silent disco tent, where you will be forced to dance to Justin Bieber while sweating profusely into your parka-in-a-pack.
You will not see a celebrity. They are all at Coachella. In a hotel.
When you finally return to your tent, your husband will be sitting proudly drinking a beer on his neoprene “front porch”. For some reason he is shirtless, further confirming your resolution for a comprehensive tent-based sex amnesty.
Your four-man tent will be too small for you and your children. You will lie awake all night on the damp, hard ground, feeling millipedes crawling into your leather bralet and fantasising about performing a Bobbitt on your husband with a tent peg.
Four days with your husband in a confined space
This is far from ideal. I have heard every story my husband has to tell. I have sniggered kindly at his repertoire of jokes. I do not need to whisper sweet nothings into his ear while we lie awake all night in the sodding tent.
Fire breaks out at Tomorrowland festival in Barcelona
I do not wish to stare into his eyes over a campfire while my children veer dangerously close to third-degree burns. I cannot congratulate him on his fire-making skills or thank him for lending me his fleece. I am trapped, in two fleeces, pretending I like craft cider and desperately trying not to poo for four whole days.
Four days with your children in a field
They will inevitably break into someone’s tent and experiment with their MDMA stash.
The music will be too loud
The music is always too loud. And there’s never anywhere to sit down. And I’m missing Bargain Hunt.
Take my advice. Stay at home. Wear your flower head garland, if you must, in the comfort of your own sitting room. Loop the double duvet over the kitchen table and pretend it’s a tent. Whack on some Billy Joel and party on.
