😆 Joke thread; may cause offence (with a bit of luck) 🤮 😠

#141

Fine young cannibals!, not much of a deterrent is it?

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#142

I’ve just joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink but under a different name.

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#143

Probably better posted here:

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#144

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#145

Terrible

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#146

I know :smile::smile:

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#147

I wondered why Rolf Harris was in the news just for waving at some schoolkids.

Then I found out what he was waving.

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#148

12 people waiting to see the doctor. His receptionist announces that “Due to a change in privacy laws, we can no longer call people to see the doctor by calling their name.”

“So, can the person with syphilis please go in next?”

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#149

I’m into online child porn, but never get caught. I use a hi-tech vpn that bounces my connection around the globe and hides my identity.

I’m a Tor paedo.

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#150

Little bo peep took her car to the garage, saying smoke keeps coming out of my bonnet. The mechanic said, it will do, your hairs on fire

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#151

Can’t believe I got the Valentines cards mixed up.

Now my girlfriend thinks I love her and my wife thinks I want to fuck her.

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#152

My father’s eyes filled with tears as he held my newborn son for the first time.

“He reminds me so much of you,” I told him.

“Is it the eyes?” he smiled.

I said “no, it’s because he shits himself every 15 minutes.”

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#153

Sorry…

image

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:balance_scale: The Independent Group
#154

I’ve just heard a Woodpecker call me a “Paranoid Twat” in morse code.

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#155

-.-. …- -. -

Translator

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#156

I have a sausage addiction.

And it’s getting wurst.

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#157

Thought it best go here than on the humour-lite thread

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#158

I used to love that old Queen song about necrophilia.

Then I found out that “Some Body To Love” was only three words.

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#159

When someone is giving you the shits:

“There’s a que for that you can join”

“The far que”

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#160

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you… today you’re staff”

:yum:

3 Likes