“Please don’t upset yourself,” said the doctor. “Premature ejaculation can be distressing, but it’s easily treated nowadays.”
“I’m not upset,” I replied, “but I still need that tissue.”
Nicked
Be my guest 
I’ve given my daughter a Fritzl advent calendar.
Every time she opens a door I slam it shut and rape her.
I’ve just finished making a model of Mt. Everest.
“Is it to scale?”
No. Just to look at.
11 Likes
An artificial leg makes a great stocking filler for Christmas
2 Likes
Dai the farmer is checking on his stock, when, across the field he sees a man kneeling by the stream and drinking from it with a cupped hand.
“Hey” calls Dai in Welsh, “Don’t drink from there, the cows and sheep shit in that stream.”
The man looks up but then continues drinking.
Seeing that the man did not seem to have heard him, Dai walks halfway across the field and again calls out his warning.
Once again the man continues with his drinking. So Dai walks right up to him and repeats his warning a third time.
The man looks up at Dai and says “would you mind speaking English old chap, I can’t understand what you are saying.
Dai replies “Oh, I was just saying that if you use both hands you will get more in.”
5 Likes
I was out all night looking for our dog which had gone missing.
When I got home the missus just said " Look harder!"
Well I shaved my head and got some tattoos, but I still can’t find the fucker.
6 Likes
When the kids and I make pudding, we’re so well organised that my wife calls us the A-Team. Our daughter chops up the fruit while my son puts together a sponge and I whip up the glaze and the cream topping.
I love it when a flan comes together.
2 Likes
He’s making a list,
He’s checking it twice,
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is in contravention of article 4 of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679
2 Likes
Archaeologists in Ireland have discovered the grave of what they think is one of the longest living human beings.
His name was Miles and he was 169 and from Dublin
3 Likes
It’s my Scouse Nephews birthday tomorrow-----
As a surprise i’ve put a tenner in his Nan’s purse.
6 Likes
On Christmas Day in 1914, Allied and German troops called a truce and played a game of football in No Man’s Land.
It was all going well until someone yelled “SHOOT!!!”
2 Likes
Harry Kane has been awarded an MBE.
Which is how he pronounces the name of Spurs current home ground.
5 Likes
It’s Friday afternoon, and a lad asks his chemist for as many Viagra as he’s allowed to buy. “You’re expecting a good weekend then?” smiles the chemist. “Certainly am,” says the lad, swallowing a couple of the blue pills, then necking another for luck. “I met three gorgeous Swedish students last night, they’re coming to my place this evening and staying over.” “Wow!!” says the chemist. “You’re in for a hell of a time.”
Monday morning arrives, and the kid staggers back into the pharmacy groaning in pain. He unzips his fly and shows the chemist his cock, red raw, bruised and bleeding. “Give me a tube of Deep Heat,” he croaks.
“You crazy??” says the chemist. “You can’t put Deep Heat on that!”
“It’s for my wrist,” replies the kid. “The girls didn’t show up.”
7 Likes
I had a fling with a lady from my fencing club.
It was a very sworded affair.
2 Likes
The homeless lady outside the pub was delighted when I asked if I could take her home.
Less pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
8 Likes