😆 Joke thread; may cause offence (with a bit of luck) 🤮 😠

:laughing: Joke thread; may cause offence (with a bit of luck) :face_vomiting: :angry:


What do wasps and the homeless have in common?

A harsh winter will get rid of most of them.


I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name.


You can tell a lot about a person by their car.

For example: if it’s in a ditch, it’s a woman.


I got into a fight with 2 blokes, in the pub last night, after calling them “Hipsters”.

Apparently Conjoined Twins is the correct term.


What do we want?

Race car noises!

When do we want them?



I’ve just broken up from my girlfriend, a professional tennis player.

Love meant nothing to her.



A bloke gets a treat for his birthday as his wife decides to take him to a lap dancing club.
They arrive and the Doorman says “Alright Dave, how’s things?”
His wife asks “How does he know you?”
“Err, um, we used to play football together”
Inside the Barman says “Hello Dave, Usual?”
“Before you say anything, we play for the same darts team down the local”
Next, a lap dancer comes up and says “Alright Dave, fancy a special tonight?”
The wife storms out and drags Dave with her. They get into a cab.
The driver says “Fuck me Dave, you’ve pulled a right old minger this week”


People keep telling me I have to put the clocks back.

I can’t remember which pubs I nicked them from.


Bloke goes to see his doctor;

Doc: What can I help you with today?

Bloke: It’s a bit embarrassing, it’s a problem in the trouser department.

Doc: No need to worry, these things are more common than you’d think, now tell me what’s troubling you.

Bloke: Well, everyday I have sex with the missus twice before we get up for work, when I get to work I have sex with my secretary a couple of times before lunch, at lunchtime I sneak off to the pub round the corner to meet up for a session with the barmaid I’ve been seeing on the side, then after lunch I have sex with my secretary again and when I get home me and the missus have sex 2 or 3 times before bed.

Doc: Bloody hell that’s incredible, but I don’t understand what exactly is the problem?

Bloke: It hurts when I wank.


It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.


I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks”
I said “Don’t mention it”




The government are changing the name of Student Loans to Uni-Bonds.

Because when you get one, you’re stuck with it.


That’s a joke but not funny


"Two nuns head down a cobblestone road to the church in a horse drawn carriage. The one says “ive never come this way before” the other says “its the cobblestones”

I may have posted this before.


My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she’s sorry she ever married me!


Knock knock.

Who’s there?


Stop the funeral!!!


That’s ancient, but i’ve never heard it told with the explanation given at the end. Almost as old as,

Two Nuns in the bath. “Where’s the soap?” says one.
“It certainly does”, says the other.


That was translated from hieroglyphics on the Great Pyramid of Gizeh. And they got it from their ancestors.