What do wasps and the homeless have in common?
A harsh winter will get rid of most of them.
What do wasps and the homeless have in common?
A harsh winter will get rid of most of them.
I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name.
You can tell a lot about a person by their car.
For example: if itâs in a ditch, itâs a woman.
I got into a fight with 2 blokes, in the pub last night, after calling them âHipstersâ.
Apparently Conjoined Twins is the correct term.
What do we want?
Race car noises!
When do we want them?
Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww!
Iâve just broken up from my girlfriend, a professional tennis player.
Love meant nothing to her.
A bloke gets a treat for his birthday as his wife decides to take him to a lap dancing club.
They arrive and the Doorman says âAlright Dave, howâs things?â
His wife asks âHow does he know you?â
âErr, um, we used to play football togetherâ
Inside the Barman says âHello Dave, Usual?â
âBefore you say anything, we play for the same darts team down the localâ
Next, a lap dancer comes up and says âAlright Dave, fancy a special tonight?â
The wife storms out and drags Dave with her. They get into a cab.
The driver says âFuck me Dave, youâve pulled a right old minger this weekâ
People keep telling me I have to put the clocks back.
I canât remember which pubs I nicked them from.
Bloke goes to see his doctor;
Doc: What can I help you with today?
Bloke: Itâs a bit embarrassing, itâs a problem in the trouser department.
Doc: No need to worry, these things are more common than youâd think, now tell me whatâs troubling you.
Bloke: Well, everyday I have sex with the missus twice before we get up for work, when I get to work I have sex with my secretary a couple of times before lunch, at lunchtime I sneak off to the pub round the corner to meet up for a session with the barmaid Iâve been seeing on the side, then after lunch I have sex with my secretary again and when I get home me and the missus have sex 2 or 3 times before bed.
Doc: Bloody hell thatâs incredible, but I donât understand what exactly is the problem?
Bloke: It hurts when I wank.
Itâs hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said âThanksâ
I said âDonât mention itâ
The government are changing the name of Student Loans to Uni-Bonds.
Because when you get one, youâre stuck with it.
Thatâs a joke but not funny
"Two nuns head down a cobblestone road to the church in a horse drawn carriage. The one says âive never come this way beforeâ the other says âits the cobblestonesâ
I may have posted this before.
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said sheâs sorry she ever married me!
Knock knock.
Whoâs there?
Grandad.
Stop the funeral!!!
Thatâs ancient, but iâve never heard it told with the explanation given at the end. Almost as old as,
Two Nuns in the bath. âWhereâs the soap?â says one.
âIt certainly doesâ, says the other.
That was translated from hieroglyphics on the Great Pyramid of Gizeh. And they got it from their ancestors.